Post by Meg on Apr 30, 2008 13:45:23 GMT
1.01 Pilot
Mrs. Waldorf: If you're gonna wear one of my designs, at least tell me so we can have it fitted.
Blair: Thanks, mom.
Gossip Girl: Better lock it down with Nate, B. Clock is ticking.
Dan: I don't read Gossip Girl. That's for chicks.
Jenny: So we should just be anonymous losers who eat lunch alone and never get invited to parties?
Dan: Works for me.
Serena: You know my mom: if it's not broke, break it.
Serena: Look, Blair's my best friend and you're her boyfriend. And she loves you. That's the way things are supposed to be.
Nate: You're back now.
Serena: I didn't come back for you.
Chuck: Serena look effin hot last night. There's something wrong with that level of perfection. It needs to be violated.
Nate: You are deeply disturbed.
Chuck: You guys have been dating since kindergarten and you haven't sealed the deal.
Nate: Who says 'seal the deal?'
Dan: So, you guys wanna sit together at lunch?
Serena: So, when's the party?
Blair: Saturday... and you're kinda not invited. Since, until 12 hours ago, we all thought you were at boarding school. And Jenny used up all the invites.
Jenny: Actually..."
Blair: You can go now.
Blair: We should get going, unless you want us to wait for you. Looks like you got a lot of yogurt left.
Gossip Girl: Did B think S would go down without a fight? Or can these two hotties work it out? There's nothing Gossip Girl likes more than a good cat fight. And this could be a classic.
Rufus: Maybe if musicians got off their blogs and picked up their guitars, the music business would be in better shape.
Jenny: Too bad it's more than our rent. But I think I can sew something like it.
Dan: Do you ever feel like our whole lives have been planned out for us?
Chuck: So smoke up and seal the deal with Claire. Because you're also entitled the tap that ass.
Serena: How's your mom doing with the divorce.
Blair: Great. So, my dad left her for another man. She lost 15 pounds, got an eye lift. It's been good for her.
Serena: You're like my sister. And with our families... we need each other.
Serena: I love you, B.
Blair: I love you, too, S.
Jenny: Come on, Dan, Serena said hi to you at a ninth grade birthday party and you've never forgotten it.
Dan: How could I? She was the only person who spoke to me.
Chuck: I'm gonna have to tell my parents the hotel they just bought is serving minors.
Serena: And if you order a drink, they're also serving pigs.
Chuck: I love it when you talk dirty.
Chuck: Let's catch up. Take our clothes off. Stare at each other.
Dan: When Prince Charming found Cinderella's slipper, they didn't accuse him of having a foot fetish.
Dan: You'll really go out with some guy you don't know?
Serena: Well, you can't be worse than the guys I do know.
Lily: Why is my daughter going to one of your concerts?
Rufus: Cause we're awesome.
Jenny: Dad, you could just tell me I look nice, instead of turning this into a sermon on the passage of time.
Chuck: I love freshmen. They're so...
Isabel: Fresh?
Serena: You asked me out on a date and you didn't think I was nice?
Dan: No, I just thought you were hot. And, technically, you asked me out.
Dan: Think I got a shot at a second date?
Serena: I don't think you could top this one.
Dan: Well, I did punch someone.
Blair: She better not show her face again.
Chuck: I'm actually hoping she will.
Gossip Girl: Spotted: Serena, making a heroic exit from B's party. Too bad for her, there's school on Monday.
Gossip Girl: (first line) Hey upper east sidder, Gossip Girl here, and I have the biggest news ever!
Gossip Girl: And who am I ? That's one secret I'll never tell ... You know you love me. XOXO, Gossip Girl
1.02 The Wild Brunch
Jenny: I mean, how could I have actually thought Chuck Bass just wanted to talk to me?
Dan: Becuase you trust people. Which is normally a good thing.
Jenny: Yeah, except when it involves Chuck.
Dan: Yeah pretty much
Jenny: The real question is, so how are you?
Dan: Me? Why wouldn't I be okay?
Jenny: You know, at end of the night with Serena and the...
Dan: Was it really that bad
Serena: The last thing I need is another guy. But he was just so .... smart. And funny.
Blair: I wonder if Nate remembered brunch. It would be so wrong to show up without my boyfriend, who I love. And who loves me.
Chuck: if I knew his name, I'd kill him.
Nate: Because you kill people now? What, you gonna hunt him down with your scarf?
Chuck: Don't mock the scarf, Nathaniel. It's my signature.
Chuck: Better a broken nose than a broken heart.
Nate: I didn't even talk to Serena last night.
Chuck: Who said anything about Serena?
Dan: I hope you had a pleasant 21 hours since I last saw you.
Lily van der Woodsen: Yes, it has been very pleasant. Until now.
Serena: I'm really trying to make an effort here. I thought everything was good between us.
Blair: It was. Before I found out you had sex with my boyfriend.
Blair: You know, I always knew you were a *friendly*. But I never knew you were a liar.
Lily: Don't try to be cute. Those days are long behind you.
Rufus: And here I was, thinking I get better looking every day.
Dan: Look, man, I live in Brooklyn. Not the Ozarks. No offense to the Ozarks.
Chuck: This isn't over.
Dan: Any time. That one black eye looks a little lonely.
Blair: If you wanna be part of this world, Jenny, people will talk. Eventually. You gotta decide if all this is worth it.
Gossip Girl: Looks like Blair and Chuck came with quite the appetite... for destruction, that is.
Chuck: I'm honored to be playing even a small role in your deflowering.
Blair: What are you doing right now? How about me?
Blair: It wasn't a quickie. Sex is actually a big deal to some of us.
Serena: I can see that. Chuck's bed? Very romantic. Classy, too.
Chuck: Serena, stop trying to pretend you're a good girl. So you slept with your best friend's boyfriend. I kind of admire you for it.
Gossip Girl: Some might call this a fustercluck. But on the Upper East Side, we call it Sunday afternoon.
1.03 Poison Ivy
Blair: Funny, Brown doesn't offer a degree in *friendly*
Gossip Girl: Super-successful parents expect nothing less from their offspring. And when it comes to college, that means the Ivies. It's more than just getting into college, it's setting a course for the rest of your life. And those who aren't legacies are no exception. When parents have sacrificed for their children, what kid would want to let them down?
Blair: My father left my mother for a 31-year-old model. A male model
1.04 Bad News Blair
Serena: (seeing Dan walking up to her with a plate) You're still here?
Dan: Yeah, well, I thought I couldn't leave without bringing you something from craft service. Um, and, uh, and telling you that I'm sorry I judged you.
Serena: Well, I'm sorry I gave you reason to.
(Dan smiles a little)
Serena: Hey, how about you ask me out again?
Dan: How about you actually show up?
Serena: (smiles) Okay. No drama. No disruptions. I promise.
Dan: You promise? Oh, no! That means it's never gonna happen now.
Serena: Aah! Okay, quick. I take it back. I unpromise.
Dan: Friday. 8:00.
Blair: (walking up to them) I think we can agree to those terms...but you can't wear those shoes. Mmm, or that hair.
Serena: Blair.
Dan: (laughs) Oh.
Serena: Okay, see you then.
Blair: Eww. (turns away as Serena kisses Dan on the cheek and hugs him)
Dan: All right. (smiles and walks away)
Blair: Serena send you here to talk to me?
Dan: No, believe it or not, I actually came here myself.
Blair: (sighs) Normally, wouldn't be this close to you without a tetanus shot.
Gossip Girl: Spotted -- Lonely Boy's rude awakening. Upper East Side Queens aren't born at the top. They climb their way up in heels, no matter who they have to tread on to do it.
Serena: Blair, wait. Why are you so mad?
Blair: Why am I mad? You mean, why aren't I furious?! I can't believe for one second I thought that it would be different this time.
Serena: You thought what would be different?
Blair: You couldn't deal with the spotlight shining on me for once, could you?
Serena: What are you talking about? I was told that we were doing this together. What, did you not get my message?
Blair: What about this morning then? When you glanced at the call sheet, did you see my name on it? When I wasn't in hair and make-up, didn't that seem strange? When the dressing room only had your name on it, what, did you think they just forgot?
Serena: I was told that you were running late, and they asked me to do some test shots first. Blair, they told me you wanted me here.
Blair: And you believed them?
Serena: Look, Blair, I encouraged you to do this. Why would I try to steal something from you that I pushed you to do?
Blair: Because you take everything from me! Nate, my mom!
Serena: Blair!
Blair: You can't even help it. It's who you are. I just thought that maybe this time it would be different. I should have known I'd be wrong
Blair: (Answering Serena's cellphone)Who dare interrupt the Van Der Woodsen as she teaches?!
Dan: Dan...Humphrey (As Blair and Serena argue about the phone in the background)
Blair: Sorry, the number you dialed is no longer is service.
Serena: Stop it, who is it?
Blair: I'm doing you a favor.
Dan: Look I can hear you. Can I just please talk to Serena?
Blair: Apparently you can, cabbage patch
Chuck: Let me remind you of the rules. There is no outside rum and the only girls you talk to are the ones I've paid for
Chuck: He looks like Matthew McConaughey between movies.
Serena: Britney with the umbrella!...Posh Spice in America!
Chuck: (to Nate) Let's go. You can think about your boyfriend inside.
Chuck: (to Nate) The real world. Everyone out there wants to be us.
Blair: (to Serena's answering machine) Maybe we should crash the shoot, anyway. See who they replaced me with. Make fun of that skinny b!tch.
Serena: How was the movie? Did I miss something amazing?
Dan: Even without the movie.
Serena: (laughs) Don't be c*cky!
Eleanor: Now, get some sleep. And I will see you in the morning. We're going to the photo shoot together.
(Eleanor tucks in Blair and caresses her hair)
Blair: You haven't done this since I was little.
Eleanor: You haven't been in bed by ten since you were little
Dan: Isn't that the girl who told the entire school and, oh, several colleges, that you had a drug problem?
Serena: Yeah. But, you know, Blair can be a little... Blair. (they chuckle) We are actually trying to work things out. Today is our first day hanging out together. Alone.
Dan: Uh uh.
Serena: Uh uh. (laughs) So I should probably get back.
Dan: Yeah, sure.
Serena: But call me sometimes. So we can get together and do that thing you didn't ask me to do
Rufus: I dated a girl like Serena, once. Actually a lot like Serena. And girls like that might be challenging. That's true. And they're complicated, and enigmatic. And usually worth it. And the only way you know for sure is to jump it with both feet.
Dan: What happened with you?
Rufus: I swam for a while. Till I drowned.
Dan: Oh. Well, thanks dad. That's a great story.
Gossip Girl: This just then, S and B committing a crime of fashion. Who doesn't love a five fingers discount, especially if one of those fingers is the middle one... Everyone knows you can't choose your family but you can choose you friends. And in a world ruled by bloodlines and bank accounts, it pays to have a pal. As much as a BFF can make you go WTF, there's no denying we'd all be a little less less rich without them. And Serena and Blair? They do best things better than anyone. No, that's not a tear in my eye, it's just allergies. Without you, I'm nothing. Gossip Girl
Rufus: So, what did you think about it?
Lillian: I thought. (Pause) It was extraordinary
1.05 Dare Devil
Dan: I don't think mom is a big fan of surprises. Remember her 30th birthday, with the clown and his llama?
Jenny: The Humphrey men do casual Friday everyday.
Blair: I'm not a stop along the way. I'm a destination. And if you refuse to come, I'm gonna need to find a replacement... girls, the waiting list?
Lily: It makes jokes. Cute.
Gossip Girl: Here's a little tip, Jenny: the faster you rise, the harder you fall. Hope that Hello Kitty sleeping bag doubles as a parachute.
Gossip Girl: Too bad no one told him: you can't save a damsel if she loves her distress.
Lily: I figured social climbing would be more fulfilling.
Gossip Girl: If Blair has got to watch her back, Serena needs to keep an eye on her heart. We hear it may have been stolen by Lonely Boy.
Serena: There's something vibrating in your pocket, and I really hope it's your phone
Rufus: (answering the phone) This better not be my wife.
Lillian: Rufus! You always answer the phone like that?!
Dan: Alright, alright. (loosening his tie) Well, then. If it's a real Dan Humphrey date that you want, then it's a real Dan Humphrey date that you're gonna get. Let's go.
Blair: Alright, who's ready for a game of Truth or Dare?
Jenny: Oh, I love Truth or Dare. Once, I had to eat an entire bag of marshmallows.
Blair: That's nice, Little Humphrey. But, um, that's not how we play
Gossip Girl: Spotted on the steps of the Palace -- Cinderella stepping onto a pumpkin instead of her carriage. Lucky for Lonely Boy, there's more than one stable filling our inbox.
Dan (explaining to Serena's mom why he never stops talking): I'm sorry. I don't know why I just said anything like that. I have, I have this thing, like a nervous tick. My mind never stops speaking, in like, ever. In fact when I was a little boy, my mom used to say there was never a word I met that I didn't like. You know what else I like? Your daughter. I, I really like your daughter.
Blair: Okay, I have a problem. I have a big problem! It starts with a capital RX.
Nurse: What drugs have you been taking?
Blair: Caffiene, Nicotine, Cadimine, Disprine, LSD, Driazapam, Flurazepam. All the pams really, I don't discriminate.
Nurse: Apparently not
(picks up phone)
Nurse: Code yellow, floor six. Why don't you wait right here? I'll get a doctor.
(Begining to leave)
Blair: And I'd love a cappuccino!
Blair: Martini.
Jenny: Oh, no thanks, I don't like Vodka.
Blair: Well thats great, because this is gin, as it should be
Eric: Hey Mom. I'm sorry about tonight.
Lily: Oh, we'll talk about it in the morning. After you had a good night sleep in your own bed.
Eric: I'm going home?
Lily: I'm not sure exactly how this is gonna work, you know.
Eric: I'm not worried. (smiles) It's a good thing I didn't unpack.
1.06 The Handmaiden's Tale
Blair: After everything that's happened - or, hasn't happened - I wanna make it special.
Vanessa: The Pacifier played for like a year.
Dan: And they said Vin Diesel couldn't do comedy.
Chuck: Mysterious financial transactions. Warring parents. Welcome to the Upper East Side.
Gossip Girl: Call us old school. But sometimes the fairly tale requires the knight to get off his ass and saddle up his steed.
Rufus: Since when were you the patron saint of former rock stars?
Lily: Since when were you a rock star?
Jenny: Let's play a game.
Chuck: I'd say strip poker. But I don't have any cards.
Dan: Vanessa, wait! Why don't you wait... because you're not Vanessa. Sorry. Case of mistaken identity; ironically, not involving masks.
Rufus: i thought he should know how it feels to lose you. Cause, trust me, it's not fun.
Jenny: He'd probably go anywhere with you. Except maybe the Ice Capades because that really freaked him out when he was five.
1.07 Victor Victrola
Gossip Girl: Looks like this little lamb needs to stay silent or else.
Gossip Girl: Didn't anyone tell you N? Be careful what you wish for.
Blair: Thanks for the lift home
Chuck: You were amazing up there
(Blair looks at him for a moment, then leans in for a kiss. Their lips touch lightly, before Chuck pulls away)
Chuck: You sure?
(Blair pauses briefly, then kisses him passionately. Things progress as the screen fades to black)
Club employee: Who's that girl?
Chuck: I have no idea.
Serena: Wait.
Dan: What? What? Did I do something wrong?
Serena: No.
Dan: I knew the hair thing was too much.
Serena: No, actually, um...
Dan: Um? Um is never good. What?
Serena: (voice breaking) I, I'm scared.
Dan: Of me?
Serena: No! Well, yes. But, it's just...I've never...
Dan: You've never? You're not a...
Serena: No. No, I wish. It's just...nobody's ever looked at the way you just did. In fact, I don't think they looked at me at all. (covers her face with her hand) You think I'm crazy, don't you?
Dan: No. No, I don't.
Serena: Are you mad?
Dan: (smiles) Come here.
Gossip Girl: As you might have guessed, Upper East Siders, prohibition never stood a chance against exhibition. It's human nature to be free, and no matter how long you try to be good, you can't keep a bad girl down.
Blair: (walking into Victrola) I don't want to talk about it. I just want to escape. That's what this place is for, right?
Dan: (about what he did to his room for Serena) I know it may not compare to a suite at the Ritz in Paris or a chalet in Aspen, and it might be a fire hazard, but...
Serena: It's perfect.
Blair: Yeah, let's talk about that masked ball. Let's talk about how I was waiting for you to find me so that we can finally be together, you were confessing your feelings and kissing Serena. I thought I was doing everything right.
Nate: It's not your fault.
Blair: Do you love me? (Nate can't look her in the eyes) You should deal with your father. He needs you. You know what? I don't.
Blair: Game recognizes game, Little J. But you have to show more respect. This is the last time I'll help you. Next time you cross me, I won't be as forgiving.
Serena: So, do you think we should talk about it?
Dan: Abo--You mean, about, about Vanessa? No, you know what? She's like family, it feels comfortable. So, therefore, she often shows up without calling.
Serena: No, I mean, about what almost, maybe, might have just happened.
Dan: Oh, you mean if Vanessa hadn't entered and we...
Serena: Or we can not talk about it.
Gossip Girl: Looks like the pot calling the kettle black has young Bass boiling over. And if we know Chuck, he's not one to let things lie. Someone pour that man a drink.
Blair: So, I heard on Gossip Girl that you were having sex with Dan out here...in streaming video.
Serena: Oh, God. Kati and Is filmed us?
Blair: Well, it's not very high school musical scandalous. And no, they haven't streamed it...yet. But, I heard it was aggressive.
Serena: I must say, Dan has been surprisingly good at everything we've done.
Blair: Which is? Everything?
Serena: No! But, feel free to ask any personal questions.
Serena: You know, we should talk about this though. About us. About eventually.
Dan: Definitely, yes. Yes.
Serena: Or we can just get it over with in a broom closet. (they both laugh)
Dan: In a broom closet? That is...that is rich, Serena.
Blair: Well, it does have franchise potential. Chuck Bass, I do believe that all your years of underage boozing and womanizing have finally paid off. Truly, I am proud.
1.08 Seventeen Candles
Chuck: So, where is your head?
Nate: Spinning. I mean, my mom wants me to get back together with Blair so that Eleanor doesn't pull out of the business deal. It's because of my dad's whole trial thing, you know?
Chuck: Yeah I'm sorry about that. But look, if you're done with Blair... be done. Don't cater to your parents wishes if they're not your desires.
Chuck: Look... I care about three things, Nathaniel. Money, the pleasures money brings me, and you.
Gossip Girl: According to the Catholic Church, mortal sin can only be absolved through the sacred act of confession. But it looks like a certain lost Princess found herself in desperate need of unburdening. And who is the man upstairs to discriminate?
Blair: Thank you, Father. That was very good advice.... You don't grant birthday wishes, do you?
Priest: I'm a priest, not a genie.
Blair: Well, the next time you talk to Him, could you ask Him to send my boyfriend back to me?
Blair: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It's been... a while since my last confession.
Priest: What troubles you, my child?
Blair: (sighs) After being broken up with my boyfriend for exactly 20 minutes, I succumbed to inebriation, performed at a speakeasy, and surrendered my virtue to a self-absorbed ass. The only good news is that he's a total pig who'll act like it never happened, thank God.
Priest: Ahem.
Blair: Sorry. Truthfully, I'm not even Catholic.
Priest: You don't say.
Blair: Losing my virginity to Chuck Bass? None of my friends will ever understand. I'm ready for my punishment. Whatever you and God think is fair. Flogging, fasting, or putting that thing with the teeth around my thigh like Silas.
Priest: How about some food for thought instead? Don't drink, keep your clothes on, try avoiding those who might cause you to stray.
Vanessa: Vanessa, hi! It's nice to see you.
Serena: This time you're seeing less of me.
Vanessa: Sorry about walking in when you were, you know...
Serena: Yeah.
Vanessa: You guys are up early. What did you do last night? Oh, my God. I totally didn't mean to pry.
Dan: You're not prying.
Serena: Why would you think you're prying?
Dan and Vanessa: No reason.
Serena: Did you tell her?
Dan: What? No. What's to tell?
Vanessa: I know nothing. But, if you guys did this thing that I know nothing about, then I would totally support that.
Dan: Thanks, Vanessa. Good to know in the event that that should happen.
Vanessa: Oh, you mean it didn't happen?
Dan: Meaning I don't even know what we're talking about, right now.
Serena: I know I'm lost.
Vanessa: And I should get lost.
Chuck: (sees Blair coming out of church) Well, this is the last place I'd expect to find you.
Blair: Go away, Chuck! I've been given orders, practically from God himself, to avoid you.
Chuck: Would you consider avoiding me over breakfast?
Blair: As tradition on the day before my birthday, I'm heading to the jewelry to put some pieces on hold for Eleanor and...
Chuck: Nate? Oh, I don't think he'll be singing Happy Birthday this year.
Blair: No one knows that Nate and I broke up, and it's going to stay that way until I can fix this. And I don't think you're best friend would still be you best friend is he knew...
Chuck: If he knew how much I enjoyed the removal of a certain chastity belt in the back of this very limo?
Blair: From this moment forward, the events of last night will never be mentioned again, is that clear?
Chuck: Not as clear as the memory of you purring in my ear, which I have been replaying over and over...
Blair: Well, erase the tape! Because as far as I'm concerned, it never happened.
Chuck: I'll see you at your party tonight.
Blair: You're officially uninvited.
Chuck: Never stopped me before.
Gossip Girl: Speak of the Devil and he doth appear - wearing his trademark scarf. Careful, B. Hell hath no fury like a Chuck Bass scorned.
Blair: I can't believe he told her you guys were going to do it.
Serena: Well, I told you.
Blair: That's different, I'm a girl.
Serena: Yeah, well, so is she.
Blair: Exactly my point. But even if she wasn't, when you get a boyfriend, you become the best friend and the best friend becomes the second best friend. That's just how it has to be, if it's ever going to work.
Nate: I know you're there, I can hear you breathing on the other side of the door.
Chuck: [opens door] Nathaniel!
Nate: Where's the girl?
Chuck: In my dreams. I was trying to get some shut eye. What's on your mind?
Nate: Just my mom.
Chuck: Sounds Freudian.
Gossip Girl: So what will it be Nate? Blair Waldorf's hand or your fathers head?
Blair: These butterflies have got to be murdered.
Chuck: Are you ready for your present? [Blair grabs his hair and puts his head over the railing] Ow! If you wanted to play rough, all you had to do was ask.
1.09 Blair Waldorf Must Pie!
Serena: You and Nate get back together?
Blair: You mean, since Gossip Girl published pictures of him and some skank?
Serena: What's Chuck doing today?
Blair: Why are you asking me?
Serena: Well, you guys are friends. And, Blair, you know you can tell me anything. I'd be the last person to judge anyone.
Blair: With good reason.
Serena: Blair, I saw you with Chuck.
Blair: [pauses] I don't know what I was thinking. I mean, sleeping with him once, maybe I could understand. But twice?
Serena: Wait, you slept with him!?
Blair: Shhh.
Serena: Blair!
Serena: [to Dan, drunk, in flashback] Bye, Dave!
Serena: I thought you wanted to wait. I thought you wanted to make it special.
Blair: Oh, so Nate gets a free pass and I'm the *friendly* ?
Serena: Tell me you didn't sleep with Chuck for revenge.
Blair: Well, it wasn't because I liked his natural musk. And, besides, nothing hurts more than sleeping with the best friend. Right, S?
Blair: I mean, who gets wasted on Thanksgiving?
Serena: The holidays are lonely for people. I wanted to keep them company. Wooooo!
Blair: Your mom is freaking out, so my is freaking out.
Serena: Which means you freak out, Blair! Just cut the cord, go nuts! Come on, let's do shots! Come on!
Blair: I told Lily that you were buying a pie.
Serena: Oh, pie.
Gossip Girl: As per Gossip Girl Thanksgiving tradition, I'm trading my laptop for stove-top. And for the next 16 hours, the only thing I'm dishing is seconds. When the cat's away... the mice will play. Have fun, little rodents!
Blair: Nothing hurts more than sleeping with a best friend.
Serena: Way to prove a point.
Blair: Well I learned it from the master.
Serena: Tell me you didn't sleep with Chuck for revenge?
Blair: Are you jealous?
Dan: [about Rufus and Lily] I think it is fairly safe to assume that they have had sex.
[flashback]
Serena: I don't want a bath.
Nate: Aw, too bad, Blair's direct orders.
Serena: Blair's not the boss of me.
Nate: Are your in the air? Because Blair is the boss of all of us. Seriously, Serena, you smell like the floor of a brewery.
Serena: I do not!
Nate: Yes, you do.
Serena: Oh, my God. I do.
Nate: Yeah.
Serena: A brewery floor with a hint of second hand smoke.
Nate: And a pint of Old Spice.
Serena: I totally need a bath.
Nate: Yes, you do.
Serena: Blair's a bossy genius.
Nate: Yeah, she is.
Lily: There's nothing wrong with having Chinese food on Thanksgiving.
Serena: What?!
Lily: Jews have been doing it on Christmas since forever. Look, a pumpkin! It's festive, yes?
Serena: We're gonna eat a pumpkin?
Serena: You couldn't make it past the salad, huh?
Dan: I opened the cranberries. My work is done. How's Blair's?
Serena: Uh, I wouldn't know. She gave me the boot.
Dan: What? She kicked you out of her house? What happened, now?
Serena: Uh, don't ask. But, the good news is my mom is going to slice us up a pumpkin. Oh, and there's a duck!
Lily: These smell great.
Eric: Yes, so we can starve in a fragrant hotel room.
Serena: We're not starving. Look, I got us into this mess and I'm gonna get us out of it.
Lily: Elaborate, Serena.
Serena: Thanksgiving at the Humphreys. Dan invited me and Eric's friends with his sister and his dad's really cool.
Eric: Awesome, I'm leaving the pumpkin.
Serena: What do you say, mom?
Serena: No, my mom is sick because she doesn't want to be imposing.
Lily: You know what? I'm fine just curling up and reading a good book.
Eric: You're supposed to be with your family on Thanksgiving.
Dan: And Nicholas Sparks is hardly family. I'm not taking no for an answer. In fact, I'm not even asking. You're coming with us. I'm adult-napping you.
Lily: Fine, just, stop talking. And I'll get ready.
Dan: Make it snappy, I'm double parked. Thanks!
Alison: A thing for blonds? You are you're father's son.
Dan: Not just any blond. Apparently, I like the ones who get drunk on Thanksgiving and almost die.
Alison: Well, you're dad liked them dangerous and troubled, too. So?
Dan: You were dangerous?
Alison: Who said I was talking about me?
Dan: So you threatened Lily van der Woodsen with physical violence? Mom, you are a bad-ass.
Alison: Yeah, well, what can I say? I was younger, then...and wearing steeled toed boots.
Dan: Clever. What was so bad about her? I mean, aside from the superior fluttering eyelids and punishing sarcasm.
Alison: Well, uh, she was your dad's first great love. And she liked to remind me every chance she got. Kinda hard to compete with that.
Rufus: So, you're not overreacting per se. You're just having a reaction that is so above and beyond what is appropriate.
Alison: I have been killing myself, trying to make up for what happened in Hudson.
Rufus: Which is not an overreaction, I might add.
Alison: And then I find out that the two of you are making out at a party.
Lily: Uh, it was hardly making out. And there's an explanation.
Alison: I think we're splitting hairs here, Rufus. An emotional affair is just as bad as a physical one.
Lily: Oh, please. Nobody's buying that. Emotional affairs are necessary to keep a marriage alive.
Alison: And how many times have you been divorced?
Rufus: Alison, this is not about Lily. It's about you and me.
Alison: Exactly! And if we're going to have any chance, then she can't be here.
Blair: If you think about it, it makes total sense that your mom was a groupie. I mean, only a woman that had completely satisfied her sexual appetite in her youth would ever marry your stepdads.
Serena: Blair, can we not talk about my mom's appetite?
Dan: No, or who satisfied her.
Serena: That's just...
Dan, Jenny, Eric, and Serena: Gross!
Dan: So, uh, dad. Not that I'm... not that I'm mad, exactly. But, not telling me about Serena's mom? Extremely uncool.
Rufus: I should have said something, I know. And I'm sorry.
Dan: Given the "ick" factor alone, I'd say that you pushed my progress back by, at least, several months.
Rufus: Oh, come on. You're a Humphrey Man. No daughter of Lily's could ever resist.
Blair: Mom, he's living in Europe... with a man. You can't be all that surprised that he wants a divorce.
Eleanor: I know. But, I am surprised by how it makes me feel. He was my husband, after all. My Harold... for almost 20 years.
Jenny: Well, keep dreaming. Maybe one day she'll actually know your name.
Dan: Yeah, maybe. And then I'll have something to be thankful for.
1.10 Hi, Society
Nate: Man, I have to find out if she's seen someone, it's killing me.
Carter: Nate. Look, I was hoping to see you, I wanted to apologize, put the past behind the past.
Nate: You don't get to say what goes on here. I'm on to you.
Serena: You're early.
Dan: Yeah, we need to talk.
Serena: What's up?
Dan: Is your grandmother here? Where is she?
Serena: Oh, yeah. She's in the other room, getting ready with my mom. Why?
Dan: I gotta be honest about something here. I don't think you're grandmother is who you think she is.
Serena: What are you talking about?
Dan: I know she got the whole free-spirit act perfected...
Serena: Act?
Dan: But I don't think she has your best interests at heart.
Serena: Where are you going with this, Dan?
Dan: She came by my dad's gallery today.
Serena: Well, she probably just wanted to see your mom's art.
Dan: No, she was trying to buy him off so I wouldn't go with you tonight.
Serena: No. She wouldn't do something like that.
Dan: That's what I'm trying to tell you. That woman is the most manipulative person that I've ever met. She makes your mother look like Gandhi.
Serena: That's my grandmother you're talking about. I love her.
Dan: I know, and I'm so sorry. But, maybe you love her so much that you can't see what she's doing. I said it. There.
Serena: Maybe we shouldn't be doing this.
Dan: Maybe we shouldn't.
Rufus: Little over-dressed for an art show, don't you think?
Dan: Dad, listen, um, I've been meaning to tell you. I'm sorry.
Rufus: Don't worry about your mom, I'll take care of it.
Dan: You don't mind?
Rufus: No.
Dan: I thought I'd get grounded when you found out, just like Jenny was. But, I gotta admit, it would be worth it.
Rufus: I don't mind, at all. Tux looks great. Shoes look great. You look so great, you're gonna make me proud. Show that Celia Rhodes what us Humphrey men are made of.
Dan: What's going on, Dad? You're doing that thing again where you act really weird for no reason. It's kinda freaking me out.
CeCe: So, I see it's true what they say about the apple and the tree.
Rufus: Hello, Celia. I'd say "It's nice to see you," but, I know how you hate dishonesty.
CeCe: It appears that your son is taking my granddaughter to the ball, tonight.
Rufus: He is?
CeCe: I'd rather see that not happen. There's a point in being presented properly and you're Daniel is not a proper companion for a girl like Serena. He's a ... temporary distraction. I need her to focus for the future.
Rufus: Hers or yours?
CeCe: I am willing to purchase all the paintings in this gallery in exchange of you convincing your son not to accompany Serena. Before you answer, remember a grown man with children is in a very different position than a young man. Money could be useful now, not to mention how much this sale would mean to your wife's career as an artist.
Rufus: Your money was no good for me, then... and it's still no good with me now. And you can rest assured that my son, like me, can't be bought.
CeCe: And I can assure you that just like her mother, my granddaughter can be.
Rufus: What do you mean?
CeCe: All those years ago, I told Lily to choose between you and her inheritance. I'd tell the end of that story, but I think you know it by heart.
Blair: What was that?
Chuck: I should ask you the same question. Perfect gentleman? Perfect date? That broken record was a hit last year. Get with the times, he bores you.
Blair: You almost made a fool of me in front of the New York Times. Which proves my very point; you can't be trusted. Nate is a gentleman; he would never cause a scene.
Chuck: Never get your blood going, either.
Blair: Carter Baizen is on his way here, right now.
Chuck: What? What the hell are you doing with Carter Baizen?
Blair: He left his jacket here yesterday and I'd rather you be gone when he gets here. There's been enough scenes for today.
CeCe: Do you like it here, Mr. Humphrey?
Dan: Looks a little bit like a museum, little cold. Although, the water pressure is unparalleled.
CeCe: That's not what I meant. But, of course, you would make a joke ... that goes to my point.
Dan: Excuse me? Did I miss something, here?
CeCe: Oh, yes. The way you feel? It never goes away. It just gets worse.
CeCe: You will always use your dessert fork for your entrée. You will always feel under-dressed, no matter what you wear. At dinner parties, there will be difference; there a language that sounds like English and you think you speak it, but they don't hear you. And you don't understand them. As time passes, you'll feel like people never see you when they look at you, but wonder merely; whether you're Serena's whim or her... charity case. Until the day comes when you realize that girls like Serena don't end up with Dan Humphrey. They end up with the Carters of the world. And people like you; they turn to c**ktail party anecdotes of their foolish youth. So, why don't you give it up and spare yourself the pain, hmm? I'm sure Serena will understand.
Gossip Girl: This just in - we hear there's a cold war brewing between Lonely Boy and a certain blue blood. We never thought we'd say this ourselves...
Serena: There you are. What's going on?
Dan: I'll tell you what's going on. I just became your escort to the ball.
Gossip Girl: ... But our money's on Brooklyn for the win!
Nate: I just don't get it. I organized everything the way she likes it. I mean, I even made sure my bow tie matched her dress.
Chuck: Like the book says, "She's just not that into you."
Gossip Girl: Spotted: Nate Archibald learning you don't know a good thing until it's gone... and found someone else.
Gossip Girl: Serena van der Woodsen, looks like your invitation just arrived... with strings attached. Come out, come out wherever you are!
Chuck: You looked hot on Prince Theodore's arm, today.
Blair: Is that what I am to you, just an accessory?
Chuck: Next to him, yes. On me, you'd be so much more.
Blair: [to Chuck] Well, I can't be on you, remember? You don't want Nate to find out and I don't want anyone to. You have to learn how to behave yourself first.
Blair: What are you doing here, Nate?
Nate: Well, I, um... Look, after rehearsal I just, uh, I couldn't stop thinking about you. I mean, the ball's something we've talked about doing since we were, like, 10. And I've given you every reason to hate me...
Blair: True. Keep going.
Nate: And the Prince, he's a great dancer and all. But, is there any chance you'd go with me instead? For old times' sake?
Blair: Nate, after what you pulled on my birthday, the only thing we should be doing together is moving on.
Blair: [considering Nate's offer] The Prince will understand. Maybe we should go to the ball together... as friends.
Nate: Absolutely.
Blair: But only as friends.
Nate: Just friends.
Gossip Girl: Spotted - Chuck Bass losing something nobody even knew he had. His heart.
1.11 Roman Holiday
Blair: I think you like Dan a little too much. But I should let you know, someone's watching. Merry Christmas!
Rufus: (on the phone) Hey Lil, you know everything closed on Christmas? The diners claim to be open 24/7... it's false advertising.
Dan: (reading a Christmas card) This one is from the Smiths. "Seasons Greetings." It's very original.
Jenny: Their name is Smith, you don't have to be original.
Eric: [about Bart Bass] He only has one facial expression. He scares me.
Serena: He raised Chuck, that scares me.
Serena: Merry Christmas!
Dan: [speechless]
Serena: Do you like it? Do you think it's cheesy?
Dan: No, no its incredible. How did you do this?
Serena: Well, I had help from my elves.
Dan: Your present is waiting for you at home. But, um, I did bring you a little pre-present.
Serena: This is your story.
Dan: Its the original. Right out of the spiral notebook.
Serena: I'm kinda scared to read it. What happened on October 8th, 2005?
Dan: Umm, well I was accidentally invited to a birthday party. Where I met a girl. She only spoke two sentences to me but I've never forgotten her.
Serena: Wait, your story is about me?
Dan: Are we really gonna do this?
Serena: Yeah.
Bart: Look, when I committed myself to you, I meant it. You know I am in love with you. What are you waiting for?
Rufus: (on the phone) So, uh, Alison's leaving. She's spending some time alone with the kids. And I seem to have walked all the way from Brooklyn to your doorstep... without a jacket... in the snow. So, what the hell? I miss you. And I have been missing you for a while.
Blair: (giving Dorota a phone) Merry Christmas, Dorota! So we can text. Do you like it?
Dorota: Thank you, Miss Blair.
Gossip Girl: Hear those silver bells? It's Christmas time in the city. Some families actually do make the Yuletide homosexual, managing to leave their troubles far away. Other families have a merry little Christmas even when their troubles aren't so far away. Some presents might end up getting returned. Some gifts are for keeps. Other presents come when you least expect them. And everyone knows the biggest present comes in the smallest box. Then there are those boxes you wish you had never opened. Have a holly, jolly Christmas! XOXO, Gossip Girl.
Blair: What's going on?
Harold: We're back for Christmas.
Blair: Well, Roman, you are in for a treat because, the Waldorf Christmas is like no other.
Dan: The arts and crafts were impressive, but how did you manage the real snow?
Serena: I'm well connected.
Dan: This is, without question, the best Christmas ever.
Serena: Ever. In the history of Christmas.
Rufus: I guess by turning our backs on these other people, we thought we could fix ourselves.
Allison: Maybe other people aren't the problem. Maybe we changed.
Blair: There's no room in your life for me anymore.
Harold: Sweetheart, there is always room for you. No matter where I am. No matter who I'm with.
Dan: Hey, Mrs. van der Woods... Lily, hi!
Lily: Dan. Jenny.
Jenny: Hi!
Lily: Tree!
Dan: Yeah, um, they don't allow Christmas trees inside... which is why we're out here.
Jenny: Which is why Dan wants to ask from you a favor.
Lily: Let me guess. Does it involve distracting Dexter while you sneak that into the elevator?
Dan: Why, would that work?
Lily: No. Never. He has the eyes of a hawk and he takes his job very seriously.
Dan: So, I've noticed.
Lily: But Bobby at the service entrance, I think could be bought. Come.
Eleanor: I wish you would just slow down for a second and let her be.
Harold: Well, I just can't believe that Blair would do something so cruel. And to Roman, who only have ever been completely kind to her.
Eleanor: It isn't Roman Blair's lashing out at, it's you. She was looking forward to spending time with you alone and then you show up on our doorstep with your lover. Now you wonder why. How did you expect she would react?
Harold: Well, I was hoping that once we get together, it would all work out. I suppose that was pretty naive.
Eleanor: Blair learned scheming from her mother. And unrealistic dreaming from her father. She tries really hard to act all grown up, but don't you be fooled. She's just a girl, who needs her daddy.
Lily: When you two are done hiding up here, I'm taking you both out for dessert.
Serena: Can't, mom. I'm busy.
Lily: But this is important for our family. It would be just the three of us.
Serena: Mom, every time you say, "it would be just the three of us," it means you're dating someone new. Whoever it is, I don't care. I'll just see him at the wedding.
Lily: Fine. Then, I'll just tell you who it is because you're going to be seeing him around from now on. It's Bart Bass.
Eric and Serena: Bart Bass!?
Serena: Mom, you cannot date Bart Bass.
Lily: You just said a moment ago you don't care who it was.
Serena: That was before I knew who it was.
Lily: Serena, as usual you're being overly dramatic. I'm not marrying Bart. This is very casual. And, regardless, I'm not asking for your permission.
Blair: I'm going to go check on my daddy!
Serena: I thought you were going to help.
Blair: I think my work's done here.
Roman: Eleanor, we've been friends for a long time. Since before Marc Jacobs went into rehab.
Eleanor: Friends don't steal other friends' husbands.
Vanessa: Well, Dan's not really that into things.
Serena: Which makes shopping for him kind of hopeless. The only thing he wants for Christmas is snow. It's not like I can give him that.
Vanessa: You sure?
Serena: Hey. I come to you hat in hand, tail between my legs, and off my high horse. I spent the entire day searching for the perfect gift for Dan. Now, all the stores are closing, Christmas day is looming and, um... I need your help.
Vanessa: I could take this opportunity to gloat, but I actually like you. So, let's get down to business.
Blair: You know, I called you about an hour ago, BTW. You're late.
Serena: Um, you're lucky I'm even here at all. It's Christmas Eve and I still haven't found a gift for Dan. Now, all the stores are closing and I'm totally screwed. Do you have any idea what you can buy for under $50 these days?
Blair: I don't know. A single entrée in a mid-price restaurant? Three-quarters of a DVD box set? Maybe a pair of Wilfrid stockings?
Serena: Oh, stockings! Yes! Great idea for Dan! Blair, please, this is serious.
Blair: I don't know, why don't you buy him a gold money for $49.99. He won't know the difference.
Chuck: (voicemail) Leave a message and I might listen to it.
Blair: Chuck! You are not answering my calls. To torture me, I am sure. But, please! For the love of God, do not tell anybody about us. Okay? Please? Please.
Blair: I cannot believe that daddy decided to stay with Roman, instead of having tea at the Carlyle with me. The ER doctor said he would make a full recovery. Everything is ruined.
Eleanor: What makes you say that? You and I had a marvelous time.
Blair: Well, I'm sorry, mother. It's just not the same. I don't understand how that French fox stole my father and your husband, and always seems to come off like an innocent lamb.
Eleanor: Roman was not always so innocent, you know?
Blair: Really? What's the story?
Eleanor: When I first met him, he was going out with this model named Freddy. And Freddy was a horrible scoundrel.
Blair: Roman would actually be into somebody like that?
Eleanor: Into him? He was actually infatuated with him. Freddy had him in some kind of spell. I was the one who got him to break out and turn his life around. Don't mention Freddy to your father. It is a sore subject.
Blair: Okay. What was Freddy's last name?
Gossip Girl: Spotted spinning at Wallman Rink, the Blair-capades. All the grace of Nancy Kerrigan, but packing the punch of Tonya Harding.
Serena: I noticed the other day that you don't wear a watch. And then it occurred to me it's because you don't have a watch. You're going to need one to be punctual for all the meetings with editors and publishers, now that you're fancy and, apparently, self-important writer... You don't like it. You want the band changed.
Dan: No! I love the band. I love the whole thing. It's the most amazing watch I've ever seen... but I can't accept this.
Serena: What? Yes, you can. Look, it's more of a gift for me because I had so much fun picking it out for you. You have to.
Dan: Serena, I buy a book for my dad every Christmas. I think the most elaborate gift I've ever given has been a pair of rubber boots from L.L. Bean.
Serena: So, then, I overdid it?
Dan: I think even when you're underdoing it, you're overdoing it.
Roman: The handsome man was just flirting with you.
Eleanor: That's absurd. He was not flirting with me.
Eleanor: Roman, it is going to be so dull for you to sit and watch them skate...
Blair: Yes! Why don't you go to the petting zoo and feed the sheep?
Roman: Why don't I join you in the rink? It looks fun.
Harold: Wonderful!
Roman: Yes! Super!
Harold: I'll get you skates.
Blair: Super.
Rufus: My son, the writer.
Alison: Published writer.
Jenny: Yeah, you got your dream girl and you're star of the New Yorker. Maybe you should just die now.
Dan: It's true. I may have peaked.
Blair: I can't believe you're okay with this.
Eleanor: Who said I am okay with this? What am I supposed to do; make a scene? Behave like a pathetic, scorned wife? No!
Blair: Roman doesn't even know how to ice skate. Can't you escort him out of the park on the way to your meeting? Maybe drop him off a nail salon...
Blair: A real Waldorf Christmas eve. Eleanor drew the line at Christmas day. That's only for me, her, and Dorota.
Serena: Well, it's still a couple days with your dad.
Blair: No, it'll be more than just a couple of days. I'm going to convince him to stay in New York.
Serena: What about Paris and Roman?
Blair: Roman is a phase. My father belongs here with me. He only left New York to ride out the scandal. It's time to come home, don't you think? Hey, did you want to ask me something?
Serena: Yes! A gift idea for Dan, now that Vanessa brought him the most thoughtful Dan-like present ever.
Blair: Why don't you just buy a new outfit for Cedric and call it a day?
Serena: Thank you! For being totally not helpful, at all. See you tomorrow night.
Blair: Bye!
Gossip Girl: Hey, Upper East Siders! It's Christmas in New York. And along with the season comes the Constance Billard-St. Jude's Bazaar; where the only thing bizarre are the donated items for sale.
Gossip Girl: (about Blair) Looks like Daddy's girl isn't made of sugar and spice and everything nice after all.
Gossip Girl: Hear those Silver Bells? It is Christmas time in the city.
1.12 School Lies
Blair: So what did you do with Chuck's money, anyway?
Vanessa: I may have started a grant for teenagers with genital herpes. In his name.
Blair (to Vanessa): You have no idea who you're dealing with.
Dan (to Chuck): Hey, last time I checked, I still owed you a black eye. So, unless this is you coming to claim it, stay away from her.
Blair: I'm innocent. Well, except for a crime of passion. I did something stupid with someone and even worse than doing that stupid thing I did the same stupid thing with someone else and pretended I'd never done that stupid thing before. You look confused... should I walk you through it?
Vanessa: (on Rufus' song) Okay, not big on the soundtrack, whatever movie he's scoring sounds depressing.
Chuck: You know, if my dad and your mom come back from South Africa tomorrow engaged we'll be brother and sister. And you know what they say, the family that plays together stays together.
Serena: Ah. Incest, the universal taboo. One of the, uh, only ones you haven't violated.
Chuck: I'm game if you are.
Vanessa: So Dan, what will it be? Cheerios and Chaucer, or an illegal party at your prep school pool with your high society girlfriend and her nasty cohorts?
Dan: Dad? Vanessa and I are going out!
Blair: Isn't there someone else you can torture?
Chuck: Probably, but I choose you.
Blair: Enough with the blackmail, aren't you bored already? I can't avoid Nate forever.
Chuck: I didn't say forever, just until the sight of you two together doesn't turn my stomach.
Blair: And when will that be?
Chuck: Only time will tell, I'm afraid. So unless you want dear Nathaniel to know how you lost your virginity to me in the back of a moving vehicle, I encourage patience and restraint.
Chuck (to Serena): How about I turn that one-piece to a no-piece?
Blair: You know what? I'm tired of this. Go ahead and tell him.
Chuck: Really? You want me to tell him how you slept with me and then faked your virginity for him?
Blair: I'll just tell him your lying. And you do you think he'll believe? You who bangs anything in his field of vision. Or me, his pure and honest girlfriend of many years.
Chuck: I know he'll believe me.
Blair: Why?
Chuck: I have proof.
Blair: Hey, let go of me, Bass!
Chuck: Drop your Archibald habit first.
Blair: You know I already have.
Chuck: Really? A kiss does sort of send the wrong signal. Let's not waste time denying.
Gossip Girl: This just in; St. Jude's has a new policy. An eye for a lie!
Gossip Girl: There's a weak link in every chain. And it's just a matter of time before this one snaps.
Gossip Girl: On the Upper East Side, it's easy to think that the world is exactly as it appears. Refined, elegant, imposing... But sometimes, all it takes is a little key to open the door to the wild side.
Nate (to Ms.Queller): Can we just move into the punishment portion of this meeting?
Ms. Queller: I've already talked to your parents, at least those I could reach, and look forward to reading your personal essays. 10,000 words describing how you came to be on school property after hours, with alcohol and drugs, where a fellow student almost died. In other words what the hell is wrong with you?
Dan (to Vanessa): Well, if you wanted to get the perfect shot of me feeling like an outsider, I'm ready for my close-up.
Vanessa (to Chuck): What's that? Your stripper money?
Chuck: Poor little Humphrey Dumpty. Look, let me clarify something for you. Regardless of who you're currently sleeping with, you and I come from different worlds. In my world, if I'm suspended or expelled, a wing is donated in the Bass name.
Dan: That sounds like quite a world.
Chuck: It's not perfect, I'll admit.
Blair (to Serena): You are so naive. Michael Moore over there is obviously just using this film to get close to Dan.
Chuck: [to Dan] What do the Humphreys have to offer? Your dad's cassingle?
Serena: "What are you up to besides missing me?"
Dan: "Just wondering whether you were missing me."
Gossip Girl: Sometimes you need to step outside, clear your head and remind yourself of who you are. And where you wanna be. And sometimes you have to venture outside your world in order to find yourself. As for me, I'm happy right where I am. I only wanna be with you. xoxo ... Gossip Girl
Gossip Girl: Who knew B and C were such patrons of the arts? Call it philanthropy or bribery, it looks like everyone has their price.
Vanessa: You're sick!
Chuck: You're welcome!
Gossip Girl: Spotted - Lonely Boy learning that when the punishment fits the crime, there's no reason you can't serve your sentence in style.
1.13 A Thin Line Between Chuck and Nate
Blair: I'm not pregnant. I command myself to not be pregnant.
Eleanor: Are you all right?
Blair: Never been better.
Eleanor: Well, Serena has. What's wrong?
Blair: I don't know. I can't be held responsible for her mood swings.
Eleanor: Were you arguing about the possibility that your condition may have returned.
Blair: No. It hasn't.
Eleanor: I heard you the other day in your bathroom with the water running.
Blair: I'm very stressed. And with you and Serena down my throat I can hardly see straight, never mind keep food down.
Eleanor: Maybe you just need to take a little break. Maybe with your father? Lyon is beautiful this time of year.
Blair: Maybe this summer.
Eleanor: Summer? Sounds great. Finish your breakfast.
Serena: Morning!
Dorota: Good morning, miss Serena.
Serena: Anybody notice the weather, today?
Blair: What?
Serena: Take a look outside, B. My first response would be that the sky is a clear blue, easy.
Blair: Dorota, you may be excused now.
Serena: I can't believe you didn't tell me about you and Nate.
Blair: What did he say?
Serena: Nothing. Chuck did. I went to see him because I thought maybe he could talk some sense into you.
Blair: You had no right to do that.
Serena: I was trying to help you, B. I took a public bullet for you. Let another rumor about me run rampant. The whole school heard, even Dan.
Eleanor: What's going on?
Serena: Ask Blair. Her version of the story is always better.
Serena: There's no moving on just yet. The pregnancy test wasn't for me, it was for Blair.
Chuck: What?
Serena: She won't take it. So, given that if she's pregnant and you're the father...
Chuck: No! We used a condom.
Serena: Well, obviously it broke.
Chuck: What's obvious is that your best friend has kept you in dark.
Serena: What are you talking about?
Chuck: I handle my business. Apparently, Nate doesn't.
Random Student: Hey, mom!
Serena: Yes! I'm pregnant and it's yours!
Gossip Girl: And for a scandal to really blow up, all it needs is an unexpected turn.
Serena: And you're acting like a total *friendly* because you're not hormonal?
Blair: Maybe I am a total *friendly*. Ever think about that?
Serena: Take the test, B.
Blair: Stop it.
Serena: Take the test. We need to know if you and Chuck are going to have a baby.
Serena: Whenever something happens that is not part of your plan, you pretend like it doesn't exist. You act like you're in this movie about your perfect life, but I have to remind you that the only one watching it is you. You admitted that your period is late.
Blair: Yes! I've been very stressed. I had that chem test last Friday.
Serena: Did you get my text?
Blair: Of course. Yes, I did.
Serena: So, you know that I told Dan I'm not pregnant.
Blair: Yes. And I'm so happy for you. Close call, huh?
Serena: Are we really going to play that old game, B?
Blair: I have no idea what you're talking about.
Jenny: Well, I've never seen you give up so easily.
Dan: Can you not start with me?
Jenny: Can you not give me something to start with? Why are you taking his advice? He's old and alone.
Dan: What?
Jenny: Tell Serena again. Without the pregnancy scare in a quiet, without a distraction kind of way. But, then again, what do I know about romance or anything else?
Dan: No, no. Actually, Jen, that's a very good idea.
Jenny: What would you do without me?
Dan: Promise me I will find out one day?
Jenny: Uh-huh.
Serena: I never thought I was pregnant. The test was for Blair.
Dan: Yeah? But she just got back together with Nate.
(awkward pause)
Dan: Oh... then who?
Serena: Chuck.
Dan: Chuck? And Blair? Blair and Chuck? Then why isn't he the one buying the test?
Serena: Because...
Dan: Because he's an ass.
Serena: Who doesn't know.
Dan: Why not? I mean, there's no love lost between me and Chuck Bass, but he deserves to know.
Dan: Well, let's try this. Why don't you tell me what's on your mind. Then it can be on our minds. And our minds can worry about what's on your mind... together.
Serena: I have no idea what you just said
Serena: I need to talk to you.
Chuck: About getting knocked up? I must say I was a little disappointed you weren't more careful.
Serena: Hi, Chuck.
Chuck: Please, call me brother.
Nate: Did you sleep with her? Huh!?
Chuck: She needed someone and I was there!
Blair: If you go with them, I'll ruin you.
Jenny: And how are you possibly going to do that?
Serena: Like you said, you're a Waldorf. You don't let people tell you who you are, you show them.
Gossip Girl: One good scandal deserves another.
Gossip Girl: Looks like the Virgin Queen isn't as pure as she pretends to be. If Blair Waldorf lied about that, what else did she lie about? Who's your Daddy, B? Your baby's Daddy that is... Two guys in one week? Talk about doing the nasty, or should I say being nasty.
Blair: (sees Chuck, smoking) Oh, don't stop on my account.
Chuck: Oh I had to, second hand smoke is bad for the uh...
Blair: I'm not pregnant. So goodbye mistake, so far in my past I can hardly remember it.
Chuck: You cannot be serious.
Blair: You can't be touching me. Look, if you were going to tell Nate, you would have done so in Monaco but you don't want him to hate you. Game over.
Chuck: Game's not over until I say it is.
Blair: Then go play with yourself.
Gossip Girl: What's the difference between gossip and scandal? So glad you asked. Anyone can commit a minor indiscretion and generate a day's worth of buzz, but in order for gossip to birth a true scandal it requires the right person to be in the wrong place. Take one "it" girl on a pedestal, add a crowd eager to see her fall, and give them the means to knock her down.
Eric: Is there something you want to tell me?
Serena: I'm that obvious? Yes, actually. That hair color is all wrong for you.
Eric: That's funny. This isn't.
Mrs. Waldorf: If you're gonna wear one of my designs, at least tell me so we can have it fitted.
Blair: Thanks, mom.
Gossip Girl: Better lock it down with Nate, B. Clock is ticking.
Dan: I don't read Gossip Girl. That's for chicks.
Jenny: So we should just be anonymous losers who eat lunch alone and never get invited to parties?
Dan: Works for me.
Serena: You know my mom: if it's not broke, break it.
Serena: Look, Blair's my best friend and you're her boyfriend. And she loves you. That's the way things are supposed to be.
Nate: You're back now.
Serena: I didn't come back for you.
Chuck: Serena look effin hot last night. There's something wrong with that level of perfection. It needs to be violated.
Nate: You are deeply disturbed.
Chuck: You guys have been dating since kindergarten and you haven't sealed the deal.
Nate: Who says 'seal the deal?'
Dan: So, you guys wanna sit together at lunch?
Serena: So, when's the party?
Blair: Saturday... and you're kinda not invited. Since, until 12 hours ago, we all thought you were at boarding school. And Jenny used up all the invites.
Jenny: Actually..."
Blair: You can go now.
Blair: We should get going, unless you want us to wait for you. Looks like you got a lot of yogurt left.
Gossip Girl: Did B think S would go down without a fight? Or can these two hotties work it out? There's nothing Gossip Girl likes more than a good cat fight. And this could be a classic.
Rufus: Maybe if musicians got off their blogs and picked up their guitars, the music business would be in better shape.
Jenny: Too bad it's more than our rent. But I think I can sew something like it.
Dan: Do you ever feel like our whole lives have been planned out for us?
Chuck: So smoke up and seal the deal with Claire. Because you're also entitled the tap that ass.
Serena: How's your mom doing with the divorce.
Blair: Great. So, my dad left her for another man. She lost 15 pounds, got an eye lift. It's been good for her.
Serena: You're like my sister. And with our families... we need each other.
Serena: I love you, B.
Blair: I love you, too, S.
Jenny: Come on, Dan, Serena said hi to you at a ninth grade birthday party and you've never forgotten it.
Dan: How could I? She was the only person who spoke to me.
Chuck: I'm gonna have to tell my parents the hotel they just bought is serving minors.
Serena: And if you order a drink, they're also serving pigs.
Chuck: I love it when you talk dirty.
Chuck: Let's catch up. Take our clothes off. Stare at each other.
Dan: When Prince Charming found Cinderella's slipper, they didn't accuse him of having a foot fetish.
Dan: You'll really go out with some guy you don't know?
Serena: Well, you can't be worse than the guys I do know.
Lily: Why is my daughter going to one of your concerts?
Rufus: Cause we're awesome.
Jenny: Dad, you could just tell me I look nice, instead of turning this into a sermon on the passage of time.
Chuck: I love freshmen. They're so...
Isabel: Fresh?
Serena: You asked me out on a date and you didn't think I was nice?
Dan: No, I just thought you were hot. And, technically, you asked me out.
Dan: Think I got a shot at a second date?
Serena: I don't think you could top this one.
Dan: Well, I did punch someone.
Blair: She better not show her face again.
Chuck: I'm actually hoping she will.
Gossip Girl: Spotted: Serena, making a heroic exit from B's party. Too bad for her, there's school on Monday.
Gossip Girl: (first line) Hey upper east sidder, Gossip Girl here, and I have the biggest news ever!
Gossip Girl: And who am I ? That's one secret I'll never tell ... You know you love me. XOXO, Gossip Girl
1.02 The Wild Brunch
Jenny: I mean, how could I have actually thought Chuck Bass just wanted to talk to me?
Dan: Becuase you trust people. Which is normally a good thing.
Jenny: Yeah, except when it involves Chuck.
Dan: Yeah pretty much
Jenny: The real question is, so how are you?
Dan: Me? Why wouldn't I be okay?
Jenny: You know, at end of the night with Serena and the...
Dan: Was it really that bad
Serena: The last thing I need is another guy. But he was just so .... smart. And funny.
Blair: I wonder if Nate remembered brunch. It would be so wrong to show up without my boyfriend, who I love. And who loves me.
Chuck: if I knew his name, I'd kill him.
Nate: Because you kill people now? What, you gonna hunt him down with your scarf?
Chuck: Don't mock the scarf, Nathaniel. It's my signature.
Chuck: Better a broken nose than a broken heart.
Nate: I didn't even talk to Serena last night.
Chuck: Who said anything about Serena?
Dan: I hope you had a pleasant 21 hours since I last saw you.
Lily van der Woodsen: Yes, it has been very pleasant. Until now.
Serena: I'm really trying to make an effort here. I thought everything was good between us.
Blair: It was. Before I found out you had sex with my boyfriend.
Blair: You know, I always knew you were a *friendly*. But I never knew you were a liar.
Lily: Don't try to be cute. Those days are long behind you.
Rufus: And here I was, thinking I get better looking every day.
Dan: Look, man, I live in Brooklyn. Not the Ozarks. No offense to the Ozarks.
Chuck: This isn't over.
Dan: Any time. That one black eye looks a little lonely.
Blair: If you wanna be part of this world, Jenny, people will talk. Eventually. You gotta decide if all this is worth it.
Gossip Girl: Looks like Blair and Chuck came with quite the appetite... for destruction, that is.
Chuck: I'm honored to be playing even a small role in your deflowering.
Blair: What are you doing right now? How about me?
Blair: It wasn't a quickie. Sex is actually a big deal to some of us.
Serena: I can see that. Chuck's bed? Very romantic. Classy, too.
Chuck: Serena, stop trying to pretend you're a good girl. So you slept with your best friend's boyfriend. I kind of admire you for it.
Gossip Girl: Some might call this a fustercluck. But on the Upper East Side, we call it Sunday afternoon.
1.03 Poison Ivy
Blair: Funny, Brown doesn't offer a degree in *friendly*
Gossip Girl: Super-successful parents expect nothing less from their offspring. And when it comes to college, that means the Ivies. It's more than just getting into college, it's setting a course for the rest of your life. And those who aren't legacies are no exception. When parents have sacrificed for their children, what kid would want to let them down?
Blair: My father left my mother for a 31-year-old model. A male model
1.04 Bad News Blair
Serena: (seeing Dan walking up to her with a plate) You're still here?
Dan: Yeah, well, I thought I couldn't leave without bringing you something from craft service. Um, and, uh, and telling you that I'm sorry I judged you.
Serena: Well, I'm sorry I gave you reason to.
(Dan smiles a little)
Serena: Hey, how about you ask me out again?
Dan: How about you actually show up?
Serena: (smiles) Okay. No drama. No disruptions. I promise.
Dan: You promise? Oh, no! That means it's never gonna happen now.
Serena: Aah! Okay, quick. I take it back. I unpromise.
Dan: Friday. 8:00.
Blair: (walking up to them) I think we can agree to those terms...but you can't wear those shoes. Mmm, or that hair.
Serena: Blair.
Dan: (laughs) Oh.
Serena: Okay, see you then.
Blair: Eww. (turns away as Serena kisses Dan on the cheek and hugs him)
Dan: All right. (smiles and walks away)
Blair: Serena send you here to talk to me?
Dan: No, believe it or not, I actually came here myself.
Blair: (sighs) Normally, wouldn't be this close to you without a tetanus shot.
Gossip Girl: Spotted -- Lonely Boy's rude awakening. Upper East Side Queens aren't born at the top. They climb their way up in heels, no matter who they have to tread on to do it.
Serena: Blair, wait. Why are you so mad?
Blair: Why am I mad? You mean, why aren't I furious?! I can't believe for one second I thought that it would be different this time.
Serena: You thought what would be different?
Blair: You couldn't deal with the spotlight shining on me for once, could you?
Serena: What are you talking about? I was told that we were doing this together. What, did you not get my message?
Blair: What about this morning then? When you glanced at the call sheet, did you see my name on it? When I wasn't in hair and make-up, didn't that seem strange? When the dressing room only had your name on it, what, did you think they just forgot?
Serena: I was told that you were running late, and they asked me to do some test shots first. Blair, they told me you wanted me here.
Blair: And you believed them?
Serena: Look, Blair, I encouraged you to do this. Why would I try to steal something from you that I pushed you to do?
Blair: Because you take everything from me! Nate, my mom!
Serena: Blair!
Blair: You can't even help it. It's who you are. I just thought that maybe this time it would be different. I should have known I'd be wrong
Blair: (Answering Serena's cellphone)Who dare interrupt the Van Der Woodsen as she teaches?!
Dan: Dan...Humphrey (As Blair and Serena argue about the phone in the background)
Blair: Sorry, the number you dialed is no longer is service.
Serena: Stop it, who is it?
Blair: I'm doing you a favor.
Dan: Look I can hear you. Can I just please talk to Serena?
Blair: Apparently you can, cabbage patch
Chuck: Let me remind you of the rules. There is no outside rum and the only girls you talk to are the ones I've paid for
Chuck: He looks like Matthew McConaughey between movies.
Serena: Britney with the umbrella!...Posh Spice in America!
Chuck: (to Nate) Let's go. You can think about your boyfriend inside.
Chuck: (to Nate) The real world. Everyone out there wants to be us.
Blair: (to Serena's answering machine) Maybe we should crash the shoot, anyway. See who they replaced me with. Make fun of that skinny b!tch.
Serena: How was the movie? Did I miss something amazing?
Dan: Even without the movie.
Serena: (laughs) Don't be c*cky!
Eleanor: Now, get some sleep. And I will see you in the morning. We're going to the photo shoot together.
(Eleanor tucks in Blair and caresses her hair)
Blair: You haven't done this since I was little.
Eleanor: You haven't been in bed by ten since you were little
Dan: Isn't that the girl who told the entire school and, oh, several colleges, that you had a drug problem?
Serena: Yeah. But, you know, Blair can be a little... Blair. (they chuckle) We are actually trying to work things out. Today is our first day hanging out together. Alone.
Dan: Uh uh.
Serena: Uh uh. (laughs) So I should probably get back.
Dan: Yeah, sure.
Serena: But call me sometimes. So we can get together and do that thing you didn't ask me to do
Rufus: I dated a girl like Serena, once. Actually a lot like Serena. And girls like that might be challenging. That's true. And they're complicated, and enigmatic. And usually worth it. And the only way you know for sure is to jump it with both feet.
Dan: What happened with you?
Rufus: I swam for a while. Till I drowned.
Dan: Oh. Well, thanks dad. That's a great story.
Gossip Girl: This just then, S and B committing a crime of fashion. Who doesn't love a five fingers discount, especially if one of those fingers is the middle one... Everyone knows you can't choose your family but you can choose you friends. And in a world ruled by bloodlines and bank accounts, it pays to have a pal. As much as a BFF can make you go WTF, there's no denying we'd all be a little less less rich without them. And Serena and Blair? They do best things better than anyone. No, that's not a tear in my eye, it's just allergies. Without you, I'm nothing. Gossip Girl
Rufus: So, what did you think about it?
Lillian: I thought. (Pause) It was extraordinary
1.05 Dare Devil
Dan: I don't think mom is a big fan of surprises. Remember her 30th birthday, with the clown and his llama?
Jenny: The Humphrey men do casual Friday everyday.
Blair: I'm not a stop along the way. I'm a destination. And if you refuse to come, I'm gonna need to find a replacement... girls, the waiting list?
Lily: It makes jokes. Cute.
Gossip Girl: Here's a little tip, Jenny: the faster you rise, the harder you fall. Hope that Hello Kitty sleeping bag doubles as a parachute.
Gossip Girl: Too bad no one told him: you can't save a damsel if she loves her distress.
Lily: I figured social climbing would be more fulfilling.
Gossip Girl: If Blair has got to watch her back, Serena needs to keep an eye on her heart. We hear it may have been stolen by Lonely Boy.
Serena: There's something vibrating in your pocket, and I really hope it's your phone
Rufus: (answering the phone) This better not be my wife.
Lillian: Rufus! You always answer the phone like that?!
Dan: Alright, alright. (loosening his tie) Well, then. If it's a real Dan Humphrey date that you want, then it's a real Dan Humphrey date that you're gonna get. Let's go.
Blair: Alright, who's ready for a game of Truth or Dare?
Jenny: Oh, I love Truth or Dare. Once, I had to eat an entire bag of marshmallows.
Blair: That's nice, Little Humphrey. But, um, that's not how we play
Gossip Girl: Spotted on the steps of the Palace -- Cinderella stepping onto a pumpkin instead of her carriage. Lucky for Lonely Boy, there's more than one stable filling our inbox.
Dan (explaining to Serena's mom why he never stops talking): I'm sorry. I don't know why I just said anything like that. I have, I have this thing, like a nervous tick. My mind never stops speaking, in like, ever. In fact when I was a little boy, my mom used to say there was never a word I met that I didn't like. You know what else I like? Your daughter. I, I really like your daughter.
Blair: Okay, I have a problem. I have a big problem! It starts with a capital RX.
Nurse: What drugs have you been taking?
Blair: Caffiene, Nicotine, Cadimine, Disprine, LSD, Driazapam, Flurazepam. All the pams really, I don't discriminate.
Nurse: Apparently not
(picks up phone)
Nurse: Code yellow, floor six. Why don't you wait right here? I'll get a doctor.
(Begining to leave)
Blair: And I'd love a cappuccino!
Blair: Martini.
Jenny: Oh, no thanks, I don't like Vodka.
Blair: Well thats great, because this is gin, as it should be
Eric: Hey Mom. I'm sorry about tonight.
Lily: Oh, we'll talk about it in the morning. After you had a good night sleep in your own bed.
Eric: I'm going home?
Lily: I'm not sure exactly how this is gonna work, you know.
Eric: I'm not worried. (smiles) It's a good thing I didn't unpack.
1.06 The Handmaiden's Tale
Blair: After everything that's happened - or, hasn't happened - I wanna make it special.
Vanessa: The Pacifier played for like a year.
Dan: And they said Vin Diesel couldn't do comedy.
Chuck: Mysterious financial transactions. Warring parents. Welcome to the Upper East Side.
Gossip Girl: Call us old school. But sometimes the fairly tale requires the knight to get off his ass and saddle up his steed.
Rufus: Since when were you the patron saint of former rock stars?
Lily: Since when were you a rock star?
Jenny: Let's play a game.
Chuck: I'd say strip poker. But I don't have any cards.
Dan: Vanessa, wait! Why don't you wait... because you're not Vanessa. Sorry. Case of mistaken identity; ironically, not involving masks.
Rufus: i thought he should know how it feels to lose you. Cause, trust me, it's not fun.
Jenny: He'd probably go anywhere with you. Except maybe the Ice Capades because that really freaked him out when he was five.
1.07 Victor Victrola
Gossip Girl: Looks like this little lamb needs to stay silent or else.
Gossip Girl: Didn't anyone tell you N? Be careful what you wish for.
Blair: Thanks for the lift home
Chuck: You were amazing up there
(Blair looks at him for a moment, then leans in for a kiss. Their lips touch lightly, before Chuck pulls away)
Chuck: You sure?
(Blair pauses briefly, then kisses him passionately. Things progress as the screen fades to black)
Club employee: Who's that girl?
Chuck: I have no idea.
Serena: Wait.
Dan: What? What? Did I do something wrong?
Serena: No.
Dan: I knew the hair thing was too much.
Serena: No, actually, um...
Dan: Um? Um is never good. What?
Serena: (voice breaking) I, I'm scared.
Dan: Of me?
Serena: No! Well, yes. But, it's just...I've never...
Dan: You've never? You're not a...
Serena: No. No, I wish. It's just...nobody's ever looked at the way you just did. In fact, I don't think they looked at me at all. (covers her face with her hand) You think I'm crazy, don't you?
Dan: No. No, I don't.
Serena: Are you mad?
Dan: (smiles) Come here.
Gossip Girl: As you might have guessed, Upper East Siders, prohibition never stood a chance against exhibition. It's human nature to be free, and no matter how long you try to be good, you can't keep a bad girl down.
Blair: (walking into Victrola) I don't want to talk about it. I just want to escape. That's what this place is for, right?
Dan: (about what he did to his room for Serena) I know it may not compare to a suite at the Ritz in Paris or a chalet in Aspen, and it might be a fire hazard, but...
Serena: It's perfect.
Blair: Yeah, let's talk about that masked ball. Let's talk about how I was waiting for you to find me so that we can finally be together, you were confessing your feelings and kissing Serena. I thought I was doing everything right.
Nate: It's not your fault.
Blair: Do you love me? (Nate can't look her in the eyes) You should deal with your father. He needs you. You know what? I don't.
Blair: Game recognizes game, Little J. But you have to show more respect. This is the last time I'll help you. Next time you cross me, I won't be as forgiving.
Serena: So, do you think we should talk about it?
Dan: Abo--You mean, about, about Vanessa? No, you know what? She's like family, it feels comfortable. So, therefore, she often shows up without calling.
Serena: No, I mean, about what almost, maybe, might have just happened.
Dan: Oh, you mean if Vanessa hadn't entered and we...
Serena: Or we can not talk about it.
Gossip Girl: Looks like the pot calling the kettle black has young Bass boiling over. And if we know Chuck, he's not one to let things lie. Someone pour that man a drink.
Blair: So, I heard on Gossip Girl that you were having sex with Dan out here...in streaming video.
Serena: Oh, God. Kati and Is filmed us?
Blair: Well, it's not very high school musical scandalous. And no, they haven't streamed it...yet. But, I heard it was aggressive.
Serena: I must say, Dan has been surprisingly good at everything we've done.
Blair: Which is? Everything?
Serena: No! But, feel free to ask any personal questions.
Serena: You know, we should talk about this though. About us. About eventually.
Dan: Definitely, yes. Yes.
Serena: Or we can just get it over with in a broom closet. (they both laugh)
Dan: In a broom closet? That is...that is rich, Serena.
Blair: Well, it does have franchise potential. Chuck Bass, I do believe that all your years of underage boozing and womanizing have finally paid off. Truly, I am proud.
1.08 Seventeen Candles
Chuck: So, where is your head?
Nate: Spinning. I mean, my mom wants me to get back together with Blair so that Eleanor doesn't pull out of the business deal. It's because of my dad's whole trial thing, you know?
Chuck: Yeah I'm sorry about that. But look, if you're done with Blair... be done. Don't cater to your parents wishes if they're not your desires.
Chuck: Look... I care about three things, Nathaniel. Money, the pleasures money brings me, and you.
Gossip Girl: According to the Catholic Church, mortal sin can only be absolved through the sacred act of confession. But it looks like a certain lost Princess found herself in desperate need of unburdening. And who is the man upstairs to discriminate?
Blair: Thank you, Father. That was very good advice.... You don't grant birthday wishes, do you?
Priest: I'm a priest, not a genie.
Blair: Well, the next time you talk to Him, could you ask Him to send my boyfriend back to me?
Blair: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It's been... a while since my last confession.
Priest: What troubles you, my child?
Blair: (sighs) After being broken up with my boyfriend for exactly 20 minutes, I succumbed to inebriation, performed at a speakeasy, and surrendered my virtue to a self-absorbed ass. The only good news is that he's a total pig who'll act like it never happened, thank God.
Priest: Ahem.
Blair: Sorry. Truthfully, I'm not even Catholic.
Priest: You don't say.
Blair: Losing my virginity to Chuck Bass? None of my friends will ever understand. I'm ready for my punishment. Whatever you and God think is fair. Flogging, fasting, or putting that thing with the teeth around my thigh like Silas.
Priest: How about some food for thought instead? Don't drink, keep your clothes on, try avoiding those who might cause you to stray.
Vanessa: Vanessa, hi! It's nice to see you.
Serena: This time you're seeing less of me.
Vanessa: Sorry about walking in when you were, you know...
Serena: Yeah.
Vanessa: You guys are up early. What did you do last night? Oh, my God. I totally didn't mean to pry.
Dan: You're not prying.
Serena: Why would you think you're prying?
Dan and Vanessa: No reason.
Serena: Did you tell her?
Dan: What? No. What's to tell?
Vanessa: I know nothing. But, if you guys did this thing that I know nothing about, then I would totally support that.
Dan: Thanks, Vanessa. Good to know in the event that that should happen.
Vanessa: Oh, you mean it didn't happen?
Dan: Meaning I don't even know what we're talking about, right now.
Serena: I know I'm lost.
Vanessa: And I should get lost.
Chuck: (sees Blair coming out of church) Well, this is the last place I'd expect to find you.
Blair: Go away, Chuck! I've been given orders, practically from God himself, to avoid you.
Chuck: Would you consider avoiding me over breakfast?
Blair: As tradition on the day before my birthday, I'm heading to the jewelry to put some pieces on hold for Eleanor and...
Chuck: Nate? Oh, I don't think he'll be singing Happy Birthday this year.
Blair: No one knows that Nate and I broke up, and it's going to stay that way until I can fix this. And I don't think you're best friend would still be you best friend is he knew...
Chuck: If he knew how much I enjoyed the removal of a certain chastity belt in the back of this very limo?
Blair: From this moment forward, the events of last night will never be mentioned again, is that clear?
Chuck: Not as clear as the memory of you purring in my ear, which I have been replaying over and over...
Blair: Well, erase the tape! Because as far as I'm concerned, it never happened.
Chuck: I'll see you at your party tonight.
Blair: You're officially uninvited.
Chuck: Never stopped me before.
Gossip Girl: Speak of the Devil and he doth appear - wearing his trademark scarf. Careful, B. Hell hath no fury like a Chuck Bass scorned.
Blair: I can't believe he told her you guys were going to do it.
Serena: Well, I told you.
Blair: That's different, I'm a girl.
Serena: Yeah, well, so is she.
Blair: Exactly my point. But even if she wasn't, when you get a boyfriend, you become the best friend and the best friend becomes the second best friend. That's just how it has to be, if it's ever going to work.
Nate: I know you're there, I can hear you breathing on the other side of the door.
Chuck: [opens door] Nathaniel!
Nate: Where's the girl?
Chuck: In my dreams. I was trying to get some shut eye. What's on your mind?
Nate: Just my mom.
Chuck: Sounds Freudian.
Gossip Girl: So what will it be Nate? Blair Waldorf's hand or your fathers head?
Blair: These butterflies have got to be murdered.
Chuck: Are you ready for your present? [Blair grabs his hair and puts his head over the railing] Ow! If you wanted to play rough, all you had to do was ask.
1.09 Blair Waldorf Must Pie!
Serena: You and Nate get back together?
Blair: You mean, since Gossip Girl published pictures of him and some skank?
Serena: What's Chuck doing today?
Blair: Why are you asking me?
Serena: Well, you guys are friends. And, Blair, you know you can tell me anything. I'd be the last person to judge anyone.
Blair: With good reason.
Serena: Blair, I saw you with Chuck.
Blair: [pauses] I don't know what I was thinking. I mean, sleeping with him once, maybe I could understand. But twice?
Serena: Wait, you slept with him!?
Blair: Shhh.
Serena: Blair!
Serena: [to Dan, drunk, in flashback] Bye, Dave!
Serena: I thought you wanted to wait. I thought you wanted to make it special.
Blair: Oh, so Nate gets a free pass and I'm the *friendly* ?
Serena: Tell me you didn't sleep with Chuck for revenge.
Blair: Well, it wasn't because I liked his natural musk. And, besides, nothing hurts more than sleeping with the best friend. Right, S?
Blair: I mean, who gets wasted on Thanksgiving?
Serena: The holidays are lonely for people. I wanted to keep them company. Wooooo!
Blair: Your mom is freaking out, so my is freaking out.
Serena: Which means you freak out, Blair! Just cut the cord, go nuts! Come on, let's do shots! Come on!
Blair: I told Lily that you were buying a pie.
Serena: Oh, pie.
Gossip Girl: As per Gossip Girl Thanksgiving tradition, I'm trading my laptop for stove-top. And for the next 16 hours, the only thing I'm dishing is seconds. When the cat's away... the mice will play. Have fun, little rodents!
Blair: Nothing hurts more than sleeping with a best friend.
Serena: Way to prove a point.
Blair: Well I learned it from the master.
Serena: Tell me you didn't sleep with Chuck for revenge?
Blair: Are you jealous?
Dan: [about Rufus and Lily] I think it is fairly safe to assume that they have had sex.
[flashback]
Serena: I don't want a bath.
Nate: Aw, too bad, Blair's direct orders.
Serena: Blair's not the boss of me.
Nate: Are your in the air? Because Blair is the boss of all of us. Seriously, Serena, you smell like the floor of a brewery.
Serena: I do not!
Nate: Yes, you do.
Serena: Oh, my God. I do.
Nate: Yeah.
Serena: A brewery floor with a hint of second hand smoke.
Nate: And a pint of Old Spice.
Serena: I totally need a bath.
Nate: Yes, you do.
Serena: Blair's a bossy genius.
Nate: Yeah, she is.
Lily: There's nothing wrong with having Chinese food on Thanksgiving.
Serena: What?!
Lily: Jews have been doing it on Christmas since forever. Look, a pumpkin! It's festive, yes?
Serena: We're gonna eat a pumpkin?
Serena: You couldn't make it past the salad, huh?
Dan: I opened the cranberries. My work is done. How's Blair's?
Serena: Uh, I wouldn't know. She gave me the boot.
Dan: What? She kicked you out of her house? What happened, now?
Serena: Uh, don't ask. But, the good news is my mom is going to slice us up a pumpkin. Oh, and there's a duck!
Lily: These smell great.
Eric: Yes, so we can starve in a fragrant hotel room.
Serena: We're not starving. Look, I got us into this mess and I'm gonna get us out of it.
Lily: Elaborate, Serena.
Serena: Thanksgiving at the Humphreys. Dan invited me and Eric's friends with his sister and his dad's really cool.
Eric: Awesome, I'm leaving the pumpkin.
Serena: What do you say, mom?
Serena: No, my mom is sick because she doesn't want to be imposing.
Lily: You know what? I'm fine just curling up and reading a good book.
Eric: You're supposed to be with your family on Thanksgiving.
Dan: And Nicholas Sparks is hardly family. I'm not taking no for an answer. In fact, I'm not even asking. You're coming with us. I'm adult-napping you.
Lily: Fine, just, stop talking. And I'll get ready.
Dan: Make it snappy, I'm double parked. Thanks!
Alison: A thing for blonds? You are you're father's son.
Dan: Not just any blond. Apparently, I like the ones who get drunk on Thanksgiving and almost die.
Alison: Well, you're dad liked them dangerous and troubled, too. So?
Dan: You were dangerous?
Alison: Who said I was talking about me?
Dan: So you threatened Lily van der Woodsen with physical violence? Mom, you are a bad-ass.
Alison: Yeah, well, what can I say? I was younger, then...and wearing steeled toed boots.
Dan: Clever. What was so bad about her? I mean, aside from the superior fluttering eyelids and punishing sarcasm.
Alison: Well, uh, she was your dad's first great love. And she liked to remind me every chance she got. Kinda hard to compete with that.
Rufus: So, you're not overreacting per se. You're just having a reaction that is so above and beyond what is appropriate.
Alison: I have been killing myself, trying to make up for what happened in Hudson.
Rufus: Which is not an overreaction, I might add.
Alison: And then I find out that the two of you are making out at a party.
Lily: Uh, it was hardly making out. And there's an explanation.
Alison: I think we're splitting hairs here, Rufus. An emotional affair is just as bad as a physical one.
Lily: Oh, please. Nobody's buying that. Emotional affairs are necessary to keep a marriage alive.
Alison: And how many times have you been divorced?
Rufus: Alison, this is not about Lily. It's about you and me.
Alison: Exactly! And if we're going to have any chance, then she can't be here.
Blair: If you think about it, it makes total sense that your mom was a groupie. I mean, only a woman that had completely satisfied her sexual appetite in her youth would ever marry your stepdads.
Serena: Blair, can we not talk about my mom's appetite?
Dan: No, or who satisfied her.
Serena: That's just...
Dan, Jenny, Eric, and Serena: Gross!
Dan: So, uh, dad. Not that I'm... not that I'm mad, exactly. But, not telling me about Serena's mom? Extremely uncool.
Rufus: I should have said something, I know. And I'm sorry.
Dan: Given the "ick" factor alone, I'd say that you pushed my progress back by, at least, several months.
Rufus: Oh, come on. You're a Humphrey Man. No daughter of Lily's could ever resist.
Blair: Mom, he's living in Europe... with a man. You can't be all that surprised that he wants a divorce.
Eleanor: I know. But, I am surprised by how it makes me feel. He was my husband, after all. My Harold... for almost 20 years.
Jenny: Well, keep dreaming. Maybe one day she'll actually know your name.
Dan: Yeah, maybe. And then I'll have something to be thankful for.
1.10 Hi, Society
Nate: Man, I have to find out if she's seen someone, it's killing me.
Carter: Nate. Look, I was hoping to see you, I wanted to apologize, put the past behind the past.
Nate: You don't get to say what goes on here. I'm on to you.
Serena: You're early.
Dan: Yeah, we need to talk.
Serena: What's up?
Dan: Is your grandmother here? Where is she?
Serena: Oh, yeah. She's in the other room, getting ready with my mom. Why?
Dan: I gotta be honest about something here. I don't think you're grandmother is who you think she is.
Serena: What are you talking about?
Dan: I know she got the whole free-spirit act perfected...
Serena: Act?
Dan: But I don't think she has your best interests at heart.
Serena: Where are you going with this, Dan?
Dan: She came by my dad's gallery today.
Serena: Well, she probably just wanted to see your mom's art.
Dan: No, she was trying to buy him off so I wouldn't go with you tonight.
Serena: No. She wouldn't do something like that.
Dan: That's what I'm trying to tell you. That woman is the most manipulative person that I've ever met. She makes your mother look like Gandhi.
Serena: That's my grandmother you're talking about. I love her.
Dan: I know, and I'm so sorry. But, maybe you love her so much that you can't see what she's doing. I said it. There.
Serena: Maybe we shouldn't be doing this.
Dan: Maybe we shouldn't.
Rufus: Little over-dressed for an art show, don't you think?
Dan: Dad, listen, um, I've been meaning to tell you. I'm sorry.
Rufus: Don't worry about your mom, I'll take care of it.
Dan: You don't mind?
Rufus: No.
Dan: I thought I'd get grounded when you found out, just like Jenny was. But, I gotta admit, it would be worth it.
Rufus: I don't mind, at all. Tux looks great. Shoes look great. You look so great, you're gonna make me proud. Show that Celia Rhodes what us Humphrey men are made of.
Dan: What's going on, Dad? You're doing that thing again where you act really weird for no reason. It's kinda freaking me out.
CeCe: So, I see it's true what they say about the apple and the tree.
Rufus: Hello, Celia. I'd say "It's nice to see you," but, I know how you hate dishonesty.
CeCe: It appears that your son is taking my granddaughter to the ball, tonight.
Rufus: He is?
CeCe: I'd rather see that not happen. There's a point in being presented properly and you're Daniel is not a proper companion for a girl like Serena. He's a ... temporary distraction. I need her to focus for the future.
Rufus: Hers or yours?
CeCe: I am willing to purchase all the paintings in this gallery in exchange of you convincing your son not to accompany Serena. Before you answer, remember a grown man with children is in a very different position than a young man. Money could be useful now, not to mention how much this sale would mean to your wife's career as an artist.
Rufus: Your money was no good for me, then... and it's still no good with me now. And you can rest assured that my son, like me, can't be bought.
CeCe: And I can assure you that just like her mother, my granddaughter can be.
Rufus: What do you mean?
CeCe: All those years ago, I told Lily to choose between you and her inheritance. I'd tell the end of that story, but I think you know it by heart.
Blair: What was that?
Chuck: I should ask you the same question. Perfect gentleman? Perfect date? That broken record was a hit last year. Get with the times, he bores you.
Blair: You almost made a fool of me in front of the New York Times. Which proves my very point; you can't be trusted. Nate is a gentleman; he would never cause a scene.
Chuck: Never get your blood going, either.
Blair: Carter Baizen is on his way here, right now.
Chuck: What? What the hell are you doing with Carter Baizen?
Blair: He left his jacket here yesterday and I'd rather you be gone when he gets here. There's been enough scenes for today.
CeCe: Do you like it here, Mr. Humphrey?
Dan: Looks a little bit like a museum, little cold. Although, the water pressure is unparalleled.
CeCe: That's not what I meant. But, of course, you would make a joke ... that goes to my point.
Dan: Excuse me? Did I miss something, here?
CeCe: Oh, yes. The way you feel? It never goes away. It just gets worse.
CeCe: You will always use your dessert fork for your entrée. You will always feel under-dressed, no matter what you wear. At dinner parties, there will be difference; there a language that sounds like English and you think you speak it, but they don't hear you. And you don't understand them. As time passes, you'll feel like people never see you when they look at you, but wonder merely; whether you're Serena's whim or her... charity case. Until the day comes when you realize that girls like Serena don't end up with Dan Humphrey. They end up with the Carters of the world. And people like you; they turn to c**ktail party anecdotes of their foolish youth. So, why don't you give it up and spare yourself the pain, hmm? I'm sure Serena will understand.
Gossip Girl: This just in - we hear there's a cold war brewing between Lonely Boy and a certain blue blood. We never thought we'd say this ourselves...
Serena: There you are. What's going on?
Dan: I'll tell you what's going on. I just became your escort to the ball.
Gossip Girl: ... But our money's on Brooklyn for the win!
Nate: I just don't get it. I organized everything the way she likes it. I mean, I even made sure my bow tie matched her dress.
Chuck: Like the book says, "She's just not that into you."
Gossip Girl: Spotted: Nate Archibald learning you don't know a good thing until it's gone... and found someone else.
Gossip Girl: Serena van der Woodsen, looks like your invitation just arrived... with strings attached. Come out, come out wherever you are!
Chuck: You looked hot on Prince Theodore's arm, today.
Blair: Is that what I am to you, just an accessory?
Chuck: Next to him, yes. On me, you'd be so much more.
Blair: [to Chuck] Well, I can't be on you, remember? You don't want Nate to find out and I don't want anyone to. You have to learn how to behave yourself first.
Blair: What are you doing here, Nate?
Nate: Well, I, um... Look, after rehearsal I just, uh, I couldn't stop thinking about you. I mean, the ball's something we've talked about doing since we were, like, 10. And I've given you every reason to hate me...
Blair: True. Keep going.
Nate: And the Prince, he's a great dancer and all. But, is there any chance you'd go with me instead? For old times' sake?
Blair: Nate, after what you pulled on my birthday, the only thing we should be doing together is moving on.
Blair: [considering Nate's offer] The Prince will understand. Maybe we should go to the ball together... as friends.
Nate: Absolutely.
Blair: But only as friends.
Nate: Just friends.
Gossip Girl: Spotted - Chuck Bass losing something nobody even knew he had. His heart.
1.11 Roman Holiday
Blair: I think you like Dan a little too much. But I should let you know, someone's watching. Merry Christmas!
Rufus: (on the phone) Hey Lil, you know everything closed on Christmas? The diners claim to be open 24/7... it's false advertising.
Dan: (reading a Christmas card) This one is from the Smiths. "Seasons Greetings." It's very original.
Jenny: Their name is Smith, you don't have to be original.
Eric: [about Bart Bass] He only has one facial expression. He scares me.
Serena: He raised Chuck, that scares me.
Serena: Merry Christmas!
Dan: [speechless]
Serena: Do you like it? Do you think it's cheesy?
Dan: No, no its incredible. How did you do this?
Serena: Well, I had help from my elves.
Dan: Your present is waiting for you at home. But, um, I did bring you a little pre-present.
Serena: This is your story.
Dan: Its the original. Right out of the spiral notebook.
Serena: I'm kinda scared to read it. What happened on October 8th, 2005?
Dan: Umm, well I was accidentally invited to a birthday party. Where I met a girl. She only spoke two sentences to me but I've never forgotten her.
Serena: Wait, your story is about me?
Dan: Are we really gonna do this?
Serena: Yeah.
Bart: Look, when I committed myself to you, I meant it. You know I am in love with you. What are you waiting for?
Rufus: (on the phone) So, uh, Alison's leaving. She's spending some time alone with the kids. And I seem to have walked all the way from Brooklyn to your doorstep... without a jacket... in the snow. So, what the hell? I miss you. And I have been missing you for a while.
Blair: (giving Dorota a phone) Merry Christmas, Dorota! So we can text. Do you like it?
Dorota: Thank you, Miss Blair.
Gossip Girl: Hear those silver bells? It's Christmas time in the city. Some families actually do make the Yuletide homosexual, managing to leave their troubles far away. Other families have a merry little Christmas even when their troubles aren't so far away. Some presents might end up getting returned. Some gifts are for keeps. Other presents come when you least expect them. And everyone knows the biggest present comes in the smallest box. Then there are those boxes you wish you had never opened. Have a holly, jolly Christmas! XOXO, Gossip Girl.
Blair: What's going on?
Harold: We're back for Christmas.
Blair: Well, Roman, you are in for a treat because, the Waldorf Christmas is like no other.
Dan: The arts and crafts were impressive, but how did you manage the real snow?
Serena: I'm well connected.
Dan: This is, without question, the best Christmas ever.
Serena: Ever. In the history of Christmas.
Rufus: I guess by turning our backs on these other people, we thought we could fix ourselves.
Allison: Maybe other people aren't the problem. Maybe we changed.
Blair: There's no room in your life for me anymore.
Harold: Sweetheart, there is always room for you. No matter where I am. No matter who I'm with.
Dan: Hey, Mrs. van der Woods... Lily, hi!
Lily: Dan. Jenny.
Jenny: Hi!
Lily: Tree!
Dan: Yeah, um, they don't allow Christmas trees inside... which is why we're out here.
Jenny: Which is why Dan wants to ask from you a favor.
Lily: Let me guess. Does it involve distracting Dexter while you sneak that into the elevator?
Dan: Why, would that work?
Lily: No. Never. He has the eyes of a hawk and he takes his job very seriously.
Dan: So, I've noticed.
Lily: But Bobby at the service entrance, I think could be bought. Come.
Eleanor: I wish you would just slow down for a second and let her be.
Harold: Well, I just can't believe that Blair would do something so cruel. And to Roman, who only have ever been completely kind to her.
Eleanor: It isn't Roman Blair's lashing out at, it's you. She was looking forward to spending time with you alone and then you show up on our doorstep with your lover. Now you wonder why. How did you expect she would react?
Harold: Well, I was hoping that once we get together, it would all work out. I suppose that was pretty naive.
Eleanor: Blair learned scheming from her mother. And unrealistic dreaming from her father. She tries really hard to act all grown up, but don't you be fooled. She's just a girl, who needs her daddy.
Lily: When you two are done hiding up here, I'm taking you both out for dessert.
Serena: Can't, mom. I'm busy.
Lily: But this is important for our family. It would be just the three of us.
Serena: Mom, every time you say, "it would be just the three of us," it means you're dating someone new. Whoever it is, I don't care. I'll just see him at the wedding.
Lily: Fine. Then, I'll just tell you who it is because you're going to be seeing him around from now on. It's Bart Bass.
Eric and Serena: Bart Bass!?
Serena: Mom, you cannot date Bart Bass.
Lily: You just said a moment ago you don't care who it was.
Serena: That was before I knew who it was.
Lily: Serena, as usual you're being overly dramatic. I'm not marrying Bart. This is very casual. And, regardless, I'm not asking for your permission.
Blair: I'm going to go check on my daddy!
Serena: I thought you were going to help.
Blair: I think my work's done here.
Roman: Eleanor, we've been friends for a long time. Since before Marc Jacobs went into rehab.
Eleanor: Friends don't steal other friends' husbands.
Vanessa: Well, Dan's not really that into things.
Serena: Which makes shopping for him kind of hopeless. The only thing he wants for Christmas is snow. It's not like I can give him that.
Vanessa: You sure?
Serena: Hey. I come to you hat in hand, tail between my legs, and off my high horse. I spent the entire day searching for the perfect gift for Dan. Now, all the stores are closing, Christmas day is looming and, um... I need your help.
Vanessa: I could take this opportunity to gloat, but I actually like you. So, let's get down to business.
Blair: You know, I called you about an hour ago, BTW. You're late.
Serena: Um, you're lucky I'm even here at all. It's Christmas Eve and I still haven't found a gift for Dan. Now, all the stores are closing and I'm totally screwed. Do you have any idea what you can buy for under $50 these days?
Blair: I don't know. A single entrée in a mid-price restaurant? Three-quarters of a DVD box set? Maybe a pair of Wilfrid stockings?
Serena: Oh, stockings! Yes! Great idea for Dan! Blair, please, this is serious.
Blair: I don't know, why don't you buy him a gold money for $49.99. He won't know the difference.
Chuck: (voicemail) Leave a message and I might listen to it.
Blair: Chuck! You are not answering my calls. To torture me, I am sure. But, please! For the love of God, do not tell anybody about us. Okay? Please? Please.
Blair: I cannot believe that daddy decided to stay with Roman, instead of having tea at the Carlyle with me. The ER doctor said he would make a full recovery. Everything is ruined.
Eleanor: What makes you say that? You and I had a marvelous time.
Blair: Well, I'm sorry, mother. It's just not the same. I don't understand how that French fox stole my father and your husband, and always seems to come off like an innocent lamb.
Eleanor: Roman was not always so innocent, you know?
Blair: Really? What's the story?
Eleanor: When I first met him, he was going out with this model named Freddy. And Freddy was a horrible scoundrel.
Blair: Roman would actually be into somebody like that?
Eleanor: Into him? He was actually infatuated with him. Freddy had him in some kind of spell. I was the one who got him to break out and turn his life around. Don't mention Freddy to your father. It is a sore subject.
Blair: Okay. What was Freddy's last name?
Gossip Girl: Spotted spinning at Wallman Rink, the Blair-capades. All the grace of Nancy Kerrigan, but packing the punch of Tonya Harding.
Serena: I noticed the other day that you don't wear a watch. And then it occurred to me it's because you don't have a watch. You're going to need one to be punctual for all the meetings with editors and publishers, now that you're fancy and, apparently, self-important writer... You don't like it. You want the band changed.
Dan: No! I love the band. I love the whole thing. It's the most amazing watch I've ever seen... but I can't accept this.
Serena: What? Yes, you can. Look, it's more of a gift for me because I had so much fun picking it out for you. You have to.
Dan: Serena, I buy a book for my dad every Christmas. I think the most elaborate gift I've ever given has been a pair of rubber boots from L.L. Bean.
Serena: So, then, I overdid it?
Dan: I think even when you're underdoing it, you're overdoing it.
Roman: The handsome man was just flirting with you.
Eleanor: That's absurd. He was not flirting with me.
Eleanor: Roman, it is going to be so dull for you to sit and watch them skate...
Blair: Yes! Why don't you go to the petting zoo and feed the sheep?
Roman: Why don't I join you in the rink? It looks fun.
Harold: Wonderful!
Roman: Yes! Super!
Harold: I'll get you skates.
Blair: Super.
Rufus: My son, the writer.
Alison: Published writer.
Jenny: Yeah, you got your dream girl and you're star of the New Yorker. Maybe you should just die now.
Dan: It's true. I may have peaked.
Blair: I can't believe you're okay with this.
Eleanor: Who said I am okay with this? What am I supposed to do; make a scene? Behave like a pathetic, scorned wife? No!
Blair: Roman doesn't even know how to ice skate. Can't you escort him out of the park on the way to your meeting? Maybe drop him off a nail salon...
Blair: A real Waldorf Christmas eve. Eleanor drew the line at Christmas day. That's only for me, her, and Dorota.
Serena: Well, it's still a couple days with your dad.
Blair: No, it'll be more than just a couple of days. I'm going to convince him to stay in New York.
Serena: What about Paris and Roman?
Blair: Roman is a phase. My father belongs here with me. He only left New York to ride out the scandal. It's time to come home, don't you think? Hey, did you want to ask me something?
Serena: Yes! A gift idea for Dan, now that Vanessa brought him the most thoughtful Dan-like present ever.
Blair: Why don't you just buy a new outfit for Cedric and call it a day?
Serena: Thank you! For being totally not helpful, at all. See you tomorrow night.
Blair: Bye!
Gossip Girl: Hey, Upper East Siders! It's Christmas in New York. And along with the season comes the Constance Billard-St. Jude's Bazaar; where the only thing bizarre are the donated items for sale.
Gossip Girl: (about Blair) Looks like Daddy's girl isn't made of sugar and spice and everything nice after all.
Gossip Girl: Hear those Silver Bells? It is Christmas time in the city.
1.12 School Lies
Blair: So what did you do with Chuck's money, anyway?
Vanessa: I may have started a grant for teenagers with genital herpes. In his name.
Blair (to Vanessa): You have no idea who you're dealing with.
Dan (to Chuck): Hey, last time I checked, I still owed you a black eye. So, unless this is you coming to claim it, stay away from her.
Blair: I'm innocent. Well, except for a crime of passion. I did something stupid with someone and even worse than doing that stupid thing I did the same stupid thing with someone else and pretended I'd never done that stupid thing before. You look confused... should I walk you through it?
Vanessa: (on Rufus' song) Okay, not big on the soundtrack, whatever movie he's scoring sounds depressing.
Chuck: You know, if my dad and your mom come back from South Africa tomorrow engaged we'll be brother and sister. And you know what they say, the family that plays together stays together.
Serena: Ah. Incest, the universal taboo. One of the, uh, only ones you haven't violated.
Chuck: I'm game if you are.
Vanessa: So Dan, what will it be? Cheerios and Chaucer, or an illegal party at your prep school pool with your high society girlfriend and her nasty cohorts?
Dan: Dad? Vanessa and I are going out!
Blair: Isn't there someone else you can torture?
Chuck: Probably, but I choose you.
Blair: Enough with the blackmail, aren't you bored already? I can't avoid Nate forever.
Chuck: I didn't say forever, just until the sight of you two together doesn't turn my stomach.
Blair: And when will that be?
Chuck: Only time will tell, I'm afraid. So unless you want dear Nathaniel to know how you lost your virginity to me in the back of a moving vehicle, I encourage patience and restraint.
Chuck (to Serena): How about I turn that one-piece to a no-piece?
Blair: You know what? I'm tired of this. Go ahead and tell him.
Chuck: Really? You want me to tell him how you slept with me and then faked your virginity for him?
Blair: I'll just tell him your lying. And you do you think he'll believe? You who bangs anything in his field of vision. Or me, his pure and honest girlfriend of many years.
Chuck: I know he'll believe me.
Blair: Why?
Chuck: I have proof.
Blair: Hey, let go of me, Bass!
Chuck: Drop your Archibald habit first.
Blair: You know I already have.
Chuck: Really? A kiss does sort of send the wrong signal. Let's not waste time denying.
Gossip Girl: This just in; St. Jude's has a new policy. An eye for a lie!
Gossip Girl: There's a weak link in every chain. And it's just a matter of time before this one snaps.
Gossip Girl: On the Upper East Side, it's easy to think that the world is exactly as it appears. Refined, elegant, imposing... But sometimes, all it takes is a little key to open the door to the wild side.
Nate (to Ms.Queller): Can we just move into the punishment portion of this meeting?
Ms. Queller: I've already talked to your parents, at least those I could reach, and look forward to reading your personal essays. 10,000 words describing how you came to be on school property after hours, with alcohol and drugs, where a fellow student almost died. In other words what the hell is wrong with you?
Dan (to Vanessa): Well, if you wanted to get the perfect shot of me feeling like an outsider, I'm ready for my close-up.
Vanessa (to Chuck): What's that? Your stripper money?
Chuck: Poor little Humphrey Dumpty. Look, let me clarify something for you. Regardless of who you're currently sleeping with, you and I come from different worlds. In my world, if I'm suspended or expelled, a wing is donated in the Bass name.
Dan: That sounds like quite a world.
Chuck: It's not perfect, I'll admit.
Blair (to Serena): You are so naive. Michael Moore over there is obviously just using this film to get close to Dan.
Chuck: [to Dan] What do the Humphreys have to offer? Your dad's cassingle?
Serena: "What are you up to besides missing me?"
Dan: "Just wondering whether you were missing me."
Gossip Girl: Sometimes you need to step outside, clear your head and remind yourself of who you are. And where you wanna be. And sometimes you have to venture outside your world in order to find yourself. As for me, I'm happy right where I am. I only wanna be with you. xoxo ... Gossip Girl
Gossip Girl: Who knew B and C were such patrons of the arts? Call it philanthropy or bribery, it looks like everyone has their price.
Vanessa: You're sick!
Chuck: You're welcome!
Gossip Girl: Spotted - Lonely Boy learning that when the punishment fits the crime, there's no reason you can't serve your sentence in style.
1.13 A Thin Line Between Chuck and Nate
Blair: I'm not pregnant. I command myself to not be pregnant.
Eleanor: Are you all right?
Blair: Never been better.
Eleanor: Well, Serena has. What's wrong?
Blair: I don't know. I can't be held responsible for her mood swings.
Eleanor: Were you arguing about the possibility that your condition may have returned.
Blair: No. It hasn't.
Eleanor: I heard you the other day in your bathroom with the water running.
Blair: I'm very stressed. And with you and Serena down my throat I can hardly see straight, never mind keep food down.
Eleanor: Maybe you just need to take a little break. Maybe with your father? Lyon is beautiful this time of year.
Blair: Maybe this summer.
Eleanor: Summer? Sounds great. Finish your breakfast.
Serena: Morning!
Dorota: Good morning, miss Serena.
Serena: Anybody notice the weather, today?
Blair: What?
Serena: Take a look outside, B. My first response would be that the sky is a clear blue, easy.
Blair: Dorota, you may be excused now.
Serena: I can't believe you didn't tell me about you and Nate.
Blair: What did he say?
Serena: Nothing. Chuck did. I went to see him because I thought maybe he could talk some sense into you.
Blair: You had no right to do that.
Serena: I was trying to help you, B. I took a public bullet for you. Let another rumor about me run rampant. The whole school heard, even Dan.
Eleanor: What's going on?
Serena: Ask Blair. Her version of the story is always better.
Serena: There's no moving on just yet. The pregnancy test wasn't for me, it was for Blair.
Chuck: What?
Serena: She won't take it. So, given that if she's pregnant and you're the father...
Chuck: No! We used a condom.
Serena: Well, obviously it broke.
Chuck: What's obvious is that your best friend has kept you in dark.
Serena: What are you talking about?
Chuck: I handle my business. Apparently, Nate doesn't.
Random Student: Hey, mom!
Serena: Yes! I'm pregnant and it's yours!
Gossip Girl: And for a scandal to really blow up, all it needs is an unexpected turn.
Serena: And you're acting like a total *friendly* because you're not hormonal?
Blair: Maybe I am a total *friendly*. Ever think about that?
Serena: Take the test, B.
Blair: Stop it.
Serena: Take the test. We need to know if you and Chuck are going to have a baby.
Serena: Whenever something happens that is not part of your plan, you pretend like it doesn't exist. You act like you're in this movie about your perfect life, but I have to remind you that the only one watching it is you. You admitted that your period is late.
Blair: Yes! I've been very stressed. I had that chem test last Friday.
Serena: Did you get my text?
Blair: Of course. Yes, I did.
Serena: So, you know that I told Dan I'm not pregnant.
Blair: Yes. And I'm so happy for you. Close call, huh?
Serena: Are we really going to play that old game, B?
Blair: I have no idea what you're talking about.
Jenny: Well, I've never seen you give up so easily.
Dan: Can you not start with me?
Jenny: Can you not give me something to start with? Why are you taking his advice? He's old and alone.
Dan: What?
Jenny: Tell Serena again. Without the pregnancy scare in a quiet, without a distraction kind of way. But, then again, what do I know about romance or anything else?
Dan: No, no. Actually, Jen, that's a very good idea.
Jenny: What would you do without me?
Dan: Promise me I will find out one day?
Jenny: Uh-huh.
Serena: I never thought I was pregnant. The test was for Blair.
Dan: Yeah? But she just got back together with Nate.
(awkward pause)
Dan: Oh... then who?
Serena: Chuck.
Dan: Chuck? And Blair? Blair and Chuck? Then why isn't he the one buying the test?
Serena: Because...
Dan: Because he's an ass.
Serena: Who doesn't know.
Dan: Why not? I mean, there's no love lost between me and Chuck Bass, but he deserves to know.
Dan: Well, let's try this. Why don't you tell me what's on your mind. Then it can be on our minds. And our minds can worry about what's on your mind... together.
Serena: I have no idea what you just said
Serena: I need to talk to you.
Chuck: About getting knocked up? I must say I was a little disappointed you weren't more careful.
Serena: Hi, Chuck.
Chuck: Please, call me brother.
Nate: Did you sleep with her? Huh!?
Chuck: She needed someone and I was there!
Blair: If you go with them, I'll ruin you.
Jenny: And how are you possibly going to do that?
Serena: Like you said, you're a Waldorf. You don't let people tell you who you are, you show them.
Gossip Girl: One good scandal deserves another.
Gossip Girl: Looks like the Virgin Queen isn't as pure as she pretends to be. If Blair Waldorf lied about that, what else did she lie about? Who's your Daddy, B? Your baby's Daddy that is... Two guys in one week? Talk about doing the nasty, or should I say being nasty.
Blair: (sees Chuck, smoking) Oh, don't stop on my account.
Chuck: Oh I had to, second hand smoke is bad for the uh...
Blair: I'm not pregnant. So goodbye mistake, so far in my past I can hardly remember it.
Chuck: You cannot be serious.
Blair: You can't be touching me. Look, if you were going to tell Nate, you would have done so in Monaco but you don't want him to hate you. Game over.
Chuck: Game's not over until I say it is.
Blair: Then go play with yourself.
Gossip Girl: What's the difference between gossip and scandal? So glad you asked. Anyone can commit a minor indiscretion and generate a day's worth of buzz, but in order for gossip to birth a true scandal it requires the right person to be in the wrong place. Take one "it" girl on a pedestal, add a crowd eager to see her fall, and give them the means to knock her down.
Eric: Is there something you want to tell me?
Serena: I'm that obvious? Yes, actually. That hair color is all wrong for you.
Eric: That's funny. This isn't.
